They Call Me Mista Yu
“They Call Me Mista Yu” is a Christian podcast whose topics include: family, faith, relationships, gardening, and even sports and pop culture! We're the All Purpose Pod for an All Purpose Life discussing topics that affect the whole person. And we want the whole person to be fully engaged with the creative, collaborative, life-changing presence of the Creator! At the core of all we do is Jesus Christ!
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They Call Me Mista Yu
TCMMY His & Hers Podcast: Reigniting the Spark, Defending the Covenant
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Ever felt like the spark in your marriage is dwindling? We promise that by the end of this episode, you’ll have actionable insights to reignite that flame! Reflecting on our own journey from a whirlwind three-month courtship to a nearly three-decade-long marriage, we explore how the intentionality of courtship can transform a relationship. Our story, starting from a memorable first date at church leading to the once legendary Quincy's restaurant, illustrates the power of communication and connection in keeping love alive.
As life gets busier, especially while raising children, it’s easy for marriages to take a back seat. We share our strategies for strengthening that bond during hectic seasons, whether that's by transforming mundane errands into mini-dates or by prioritizing consistent communication. Drawing inspiration from Stephen Covey, we discuss how reevaluating priorities can help ensure that your marriage remains a top priority. We also touch on the importance of mutual personal growth, which can prevent feelings of neglect and reinforce the partnership.
Finally, we delve into the sacred covenant of marriage, likening its importance to teachings from the Old Testament. We stress the need to fiercely defend this bond against both external and internal challenges. By addressing personal habits and attitudes that could undermine your relationship, and grounding our discussion in scripture like Mark 10:9, we emphasize the power of intentionality, communication, and support. Join us for a heartfelt conversation on nurturing a marriage that withstands the test of time and evolves with life's changes.
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Welcome back to the His and Hers Podcast. I'm Mr U and the queen is in the house this morning. Hello, good morning. Good morning, we are in the house and we're excited about being back with you. Hope you enjoyed the last few episodes that we dropped On all our social media platforms. Hope you enjoyed those. They were really fun to do. We've learned a lot about ourselves in the process, as always, and we learned a lot about what you guys think and what you need in life and where you are, and it's been really good. But we're ready to get into this new episode and we know we're ending up on the end of the year, which is always comes with a lot of expectations and a lot of wanting to renew some areas and get some things straight, maybe discard some old ideals and some old concepts and behaviors and kind of start into a new. So that's kind of where we are right now, along with the rigors of the holiday season. So good times.
Speaker 2:Yes, very good times. It's been a busy, busy season this time.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It could be the busiest one we've had in many years for a lot of different reasons. But today we want to talk a little bit about something that we promised about three months ago and we finally got a chance to get it on the books. But talk about married and dating Weird concept, I guess. To some maybe, people who are generally married, they don't think about the idea of dating or having a re-courtship or reigniting the spark in their relationship. There's a lot of reasons why that happens. It's not always sinister. There's a lot of reasons why life can kind of creep up on you and cause you to forget about taking the time to slow down. It's really interesting how that tends to happen. We're going to attempt today to try to help all of our listeners maintain the fire in their relationship, not because we're experts, but just because we figure some stuff out and we see some areas that could take some improvement, and we want to share that with you guys, like we always do, and we always hear back from you. It's always positive. You get something out of our discussions and you learn something about yourselves in the process. And guess what? You learn something about us as well too, so you get to know us in a deeper way. So we're going to have fun with this today and then let's go ahead and jump into this. So married, but dating. Let's start with this now.
Speaker 1:When I hear dating, I in today's time, in today's vernacular, I got we had some friends of ours, uh business associates that we used to uh work with, that utilize dating apps to meet people. In today's world, dating has a certain stigma attached to it. I took the time to look up what it means to date and what it means versus a courtship. Dating is considered more casual, exploring different opportunities with people, meeting different people. No strong commitment level there. As it pertains to dating, as it pertains to courtship, it's a more serious, intentional process. I know some might consider that to be outdated and primitive, but that's really how the best way to get it done If you were thinking about having a committed relationship with somebody the best way to get it done if you were thinking about having a committed relationship with somebody. So it's a serious, intentional process with the goal of marriage as your primary goal, as your primary intention Comes with a lot of social guidelines, also involves your family or your support system in life. So there's a lot of different moving parts there, but as you see the difference, one's casual and one's serious. Alright, so Excuse me.
Speaker 1:So when it comes to that, we talk about the concept of dating your spouse, I don't want to give the impression. That's why I read the definition. I want to give the impression that we're talking about something casual, something that's kind of haphazard. You kind of do it whenever. I want to give that impression, because that's why I read the definition. I want to give the impression that we're talking about something casual, something that's kind of haphazard. You kind of do it whenever. I want to give that impression, because that's what dating looks like nowadays. So I want to get that image in your mind. I'm thinking more about re-courtship than I am about dating, because the courtship is more intentional. You're involving your family, you're involving your support system, you're more intent on making your covenant and your marriage stronger than it was and kind of build upon that. So that's going to be the context of our conversation. But do you want to share about our first date that we had?
Speaker 2:Yes, our first date was church. At the church one Sunday he said follow me to church. He drove his car, I drove mine, he followed me to church, and we afterwards, when I let enough people know who I'm around and you call that a date Well, we went to lunch. That's the date, alright, because we didn't have no lunch at church, right?
Speaker 1:No, we went to lunch. That's the date, All right, because we didn't have no lunch at church friends?
Speaker 2:No, we went to church and then you followed me to my apartment and I got in your truck and we went to Quincy's.
Speaker 1:Gosh. I haven't heard that name in years.
Speaker 2:We went to Quincy's to have lunch but we't eat because we sat there crying the whole time. That was a real different time, but we cried. It was like I don't know why I'm crying. I don't eat.
Speaker 1:Why are you telling everybody this story that I was crying over?
Speaker 2:But you was asking questions like does men supposed to hug you at church? You was asking questions like um, does men supposed to hug you at church? And you was asking questions like um, why was everybody just coming to talk to me? You know, that was a different experience for you.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah. Yeah so there was more than just crying at the table. I was asking questions and communicating, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was asking.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you, that's great, it sounds communicating okay, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2:it sounds real weird if I'm just crying the whole time but, um, I went. I wanted to go to a place where I just felt like, in my life and the things that I had experienced and being a single parent at that time, um, I needed to be accountable, um, and have somebody to hold me accountable. So, um, that's why you went to church with me and we also went out to eat, where I knew that the people that worked there, you know I knew them and they knew me. So I just wanted to cover myself, you know, in the dating, because, being a Christian or being a believer, I just wanted to do everything.
Speaker 2:You know, I just wanted to do everything. You know that that would be pleasing in God's sight. You know, I didn't want to blur any lines, I didn't want to give any sense. You know, I didn't want to do anything that would make me feel guilty later. You know, because I was being accountable, because I was a teacher at church, I was a part of the worship team and I just wanted to set the example that I believe that God would want me to at that time. So that's why we did things the way we did and you agreed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't have a problem with that, I was, I was pretty open agreed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't have a problem with that. I was pretty open. I think when you feel confident that somebody has your best interest at heart, you're open to ideas. That's kind of how I felt about that situation For me. I didn't really have a context for dating At that age. I think I was 24, 25. I should have had plenty of context for dating.
Speaker 1:I know people might say, oh, he must have been some kind of prude or something, but I didn't have any context for dating. Really, for me, dating wasn't what it is right now. It was a lot different. It was casual, but it was like. It was almost like we just ate and talked. There wasn't really any. There wasn't any real deep communication, any deep discussion. So I don't know, I'm not quite sure if I had a real context for dating.
Speaker 1:So for me that was a first to have something like that happen and to have it with somebody who you felt like you know what you were connecting with, like really connecting, not just somebody you're going to sleep with, but somebody you really connected with. Yeah, and that was a. That was a big difference from a big difference from what I was accustomed to, because Because for me dating was like, okay, you're spending your money on somebody, you're expecting something in return. I mean, that's the culture that I grew up in, just to be honest about it. So this was so different. It was like, okay, now I got to communicate and talk and share my feelings and be transparent. I was not ready for any, I'm not ready for this whatsoever. I'll be even more transparent. I was like not ready for any, not ready for this whatsoever, I'll be even more transparent. Man Even. I mean, we've been married almost 29 years now and in my early years of our marriage I was still trying to figure out how much to communicate, how much to say what's going to cause a backlash in this house, or what's going to cause a problem or this house, or what's going to cause a problem or create a wedge. So I was careful about what I shared and I'm like this is my best friend, this is my partner in life. I'm like can I share this? Is this going to go over? Well, should I keep that one to myself and kind of put that one in the prayer closet with me, and God you know. So that was funny.
Speaker 1:But our courtship was so funny Because I feel like the courtship Definitely came before the date. In my mind, I feel like the courtship even Pushed the date into the side, because I feel like the true definition of courtship, like I just read earlier in the episode, that's exactly what was happening. I was serious about it. It wasn't a joke to me. I'm like, okay, I'm stuff that I never felt before. I'm thinking stuff I never thought before. I'm making plans I never had an idea I'd be planning for. So I'm like this isn't. I'm being serious, I'm being a serious adult here. I'm being an intentional person as it pertains to this woman. So this tweet, it was a big deal, but of course, it was really short.
Speaker 1:We tell a story all the time Every time we get in public circles.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it always comes out we knew each other for three months Three months, yes, three months and then we decided to get married. Now, this is not some kind of a PSA. We're not telling you to do that, because there's a lot of things that happen that are probably can't get into all that today. But it was a big part of why three months was enough. But we were convinced that we were supposed to be together and I believe it bared out over time. We can see that we're going almost into three decades of marriage, we can see that it was the right thing. But the short course it was weird because three months doesn't take a lot of time to get to know somebody, to meet their family, to have certain levels of approval in the family, to be comfortable with each other and also be comfortable in our own skin as single people before we come together as and the two become one. So there was a lot of that culture that was just really funny and weird to me.
Speaker 2:Yes, I, even with myself. You know, I, I was so shocked that you wanted me to meet your mom, your grandmama and your sister. I was like, oh my gosh, um, but we, we went to New York and we stayed there a week and fell in love with mom and grandma and Amina and it was beautiful, um, I enjoyed the time there, the conversations. Mom didn't have a lot of questions for me, but we were able to talk and Yusef and I you know the way that he showed me attention, even around his mom, the way he cared for his mom, meant so much to me Because you know, I know he wasn't just trying to put on something for me.
Speaker 2:I saw their relationship. You know, I saw grandma and Yusef interaction and how he interacted with his sister and you know it just meant a big deal to me to see that if he could do that for them, and that's his first example of how to communicate with a woman. You know that we can work through stuff. You know we can talk out things, so that was a blessing to me.
Speaker 1:That was really really good. So we heard now we are in a long marriage and I know many of you may be able to stay the same, maybe even longer. Or you just kind of start now, you within five years or within 10 years, and you're still figuring some things out in life. Maybe it's even earlier than that and you're in the first few years and you're like, wow, a lot of stuff is happening. Those first three to five years are critical. They are essentially the make and break period of the marriage.
Speaker 1:But what we learn, and we want to kind of share with you in hopes that it encourages you today, is just to learn how to reignite the fire in a relationship. I'm not talking about only sexually either, just to be clear. I'm talking about kind of revisiting the things that made you like each other in the first place, the things that made you enjoy each other's company, the things that made being around each other fun and enjoyable. You know, I know that I'm not the only one. I'm sure the queen can concur, but busyness has a way of attacking. Oh, yes, and if you have the intention of building a family of any sort, that alone, right, there is enough of a barrier that you have to work around that and you have to still continue to build, but not lose sight of what's most important, because in building a family, at the end of the day and this is something that we learned the right way and the long way and the hard way that when your kids get to be 17, 18 years old, in most situations they're going to end up leaving home. So all you're doing is just preparing the training ground for them to learn how to adapt if I can use that word and function in this world without you being over their shoulder. You can offer advice to be part of their support system, but you won't be there while they're living life and that's all you're really doing.
Speaker 1:So when that happens, guess what happens? You're back to being an empty nester, like you were before the children were born, and you're back there with your spouse. It's you and your spouse, and that relationship has to be strong, it has to be solid. We had ups and downs with that, but we realized that we had to take the time to be married, yeah, and court each other again and spend time taking care of each other and hearing each other and communicating with each other. Because when the kids are gone. Guess what? There's no more dark fists and chains, there's no more battles to fight, there's no more kids to take to school. It's just you and your spouse. And you can't neglect that relationship for 18 years. While the kids grow, you need to embrace it, enjoy it, take the intentional time to re-engage in all the important areas in life right.
Speaker 2:Yes, because during that time we did go through a lot of busy seasons. The girls were really active in school ROTC, basketball, dance, I mean some of everything and then you were working and going to school and doing ministry and I was doing ministry and I worked at home and I was doing the Uber for the family because we had one vehicle for a while. And then you work like 45 minutes away from home and I had to get you to work, get back home, take the three kids to school at two different schools, and it was a lot. But I'm so glad we made the time to do something. On the weekends. It was family weekend and then it was you and my time. You know, um, we still made sure that we took care of us. You know, um, even if it was just to talk through some things, and some of the times if we brought up work, he was like like nope, we're not allowed to talk about work on the weekend.
Speaker 2:That was out of the question. So there would be times that we would get a book and we would read it together, we would discuss it, we would see where our life was compared to those things that was in the book. You know, there was different little tools that we use to be able to make time to look at us as husband and wife and as partners.
Speaker 1:I mean it sounds so elementary, but in the course of everyday life I feel like, especially as believers, I feel like we don't do it. We know it but we don't do it. And the Bible says if we know to do a thing and we don't do it to us is sin and we don't do it. We know it but we don't do it. And the Bible says if we know to do a thing and we don't do it, to us it's sin and we don't do it. We know that praying together is important. We know worshiping together is important. We know reading books, like you stated, is important. We know connecting and even maybe watching a program together or taking a ride together, taking a drive together. We know that stuff is important Eating together, cooking dinner together, having date nights and cooking dinner together.
Speaker 1:We know it's important but for some reason we allow business to get in the way of what we know we should be doing to maintain and to continue to forge and reforge this very important relationship, probably the most important relationship in our life. We got to learn how to build family without building walls. I feel like we don't always understand that. I like that. I like it too. We don't always do that we talk about we're going to build a family but we end up building walls. Instead we have all these barriers that we got to try to work through and fight through. It's like we got to make the first thing the first thing and make sure we keep the first thing the first thing. We got to prioritize the things that matter. We engage on what our values are Because in life, over years I mean, if I asked Queen from 1998 her value system compared to now, I bet you it was different.
Speaker 1:I bet you see things differently we had to learn how to re-engage that You've got to assume that the queen from 1997 is the same one right now. The person that I married is the exact same person right now. That's a mistake At the core of that person. I'm sure they're the same, we're the same, but things have changed. You're evolving, you're growing. You've got to take time to connect and re-engage and make sure things are good. I mean it's like, say, you have an appliance that's really, really old and you got it 10 years ago. Right, you'd be foolish to not ignore the sounds that they're making. You know. It's like what is that? Oh, it's good, it's been around for eight years It'll be fine. You know it's foolish to not ignore the flashing lights or the blinking lights. It's not wise. So in the same way that we wouldn't do that there, we would get it evaluated or get a new appliance, we have to do the same thing with our spouse Not go get a new spouse, but evaluate where the spouse is. You can't expect them to do the same thing, the same way, because you're all growing, you're walking through seasons together and things are changing.
Speaker 1:What do you believe what's changed? What do you like? What do you don't like now? What's lower or higher on your priority list? Those kind of things we have to engage about and take the time to figure out.
Speaker 1:There's an old saying I always share and it's like we make time for what we care about, we make time for who we care about, and busyness is going to come, can't avoid that. I know people who are busy in life, so much that their marriage is the third, fourth priority in their life. They got ministry, they got work, they got school, they got girlfriend time or hanging out with the guys time, and marriage is not even in the top three and it's a real situation. But we make time for what we care about. We make time for who we care about, and I think if nothing else comes out of this episode today, it's intentionality. You got to be intentional about what we know we need to do to reignite the fire and maintain the level of relationship that we know we need to to keep a happy marriage and to keep a fruitful marriage, and even to be role model for those that are not married or desire to be married.
Speaker 2:Right, yes, because one of the things that you know, you and I have noticed, you know, since covid um and just being home every day and doing business and being together all the time. You know we are busy doing things, but we have to take the time out to say how are are you doing? Yeah, you know I come and check on you. You said how are you? What are you thinking about now in this season that we're in, and how are we going to go to the next season? Do you have any input? You know listening to you, letting you share what you think about this, and then you doing that for me in return, and then us praying through that situation, because if it's something that we don't understand or we can't see why or how this is taking place, the best thing to do is go to God and find that out so that it won't become friction between the two of us. So that's been something that we have learned, because we're taking the time out to be intentional, to check on one another.
Speaker 1:We've done a lot of things to, and I think almost 29 years is a good sample size for a couple of figured things out within A lot of opportunity to learn from your mistakes and see where you went wrong and see where you can do better. For those in a one year, three years and five years in. Don't be discouraged by how it looks. Something get worked out with time. I'm not going to say the time heals all wounds. I don't believe in that. I believe Jesus heals all wounds, but no, but time can help you figure some things out when you are willing to adjust and grow. And we learned how to, you know, just enjoy each other. Our dinner tables were the place where we ate and talk and communicated, and it's not quite like the TV show Blue Bloods, but it was pretty close. We did it not just on a Sunday, we did it every day. We sat and ate dinner together and I think that was something that was really important to us and we still do. Yeah, we still do that now, even if the kids are not living here. We still do that. But we learn how to eat together, be active together, whether we run an errand, we turn errands into dates, which is pretty cool. We run a couple of errands. You know what it run a couple of errands, you know what it just turned into a date and we'll make it into that. It's like, wow, that was pretty cool how that happened. I have a question, because I know that we talked about building blocks and reigniting the fire and engaging each other and making sure each other is okay and that stuff.
Speaker 1:But what's the next step when you don't have the time? Because people always say and this is something that I do critique people on, because I know it's not coming from a genuine place a lot of the time People say oh, I didn't get back to you because I was busy. Sometimes that's not really the truth. Sometimes it wasn't a priority for you, you didn't calendarize it, you didn't make it a point of emphasis, you just kind of just said it while you was in front of us. I'm going to do this or I'll call you at this time, or call me at this time and you just forgot, or it wasn't important enough for you to make a note and be where you're supposed to be. Whether you're a business owner or you're not an entrepreneur, that should still be a point of emphasis for everyone that gives their word to somebody, but sometimes people don't have time for real. What's the next step, generally speaking, when you don't have the time? What do you think you should do? When you realize you don't have the time, what do you do? Wow.
Speaker 2:We communicate that we don't have the time and we begin to evaluate the priorities in our life, because we're we have to stay connected. That should be one of our first priorities, you know, to stay connected and have that communication, because what I do is it's a reflection of you and what you do is a reflection of me, because we are as one, like the Bible tells us, and us being as one and being busy. Sometimes I have to work on when you're really busy and there's times that I've had to work on me while you're working on that thing that you're working on, so that when we come back together I'm able to understand, you know why we had to do the projects or take care of the things that we had to. I'm not just sitting around moping saying you know I'll be glad when you're done or you don't take time out for me. You know because as I'm working on myself and you're working on you or doing the chores that we're doing, when we come back together, that makes us stronger.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:And I think that's really important, because if I'm not doing any work on me, I can get in a mood where I just feel like I'm being neglected. But those seasons do come up and we have to handle them as mature adults, you know, because the more that we work on us, the better we can build together.
Speaker 1:I love that we had a week recently well, it was probably more like by eight or nine.
Speaker 1:A span of eight or nine days might have been the busiest eight or nine days that we've had in almost 29 years yes lord uh, not busy with just stuff, with items on the calendar and agendas and stuff, but just busy and taxing, and it was Things that required a lot of us Mentally and physically and spiritually, and it took a toll on us. The reason why I believe, even though we were tired and exhausted and we never sleep in For the most part we get up early in the morning to pray. It's kind of our routine we were a bazookt for all of these eight to nine days. The reason why I believe we survived it and it didn't turn into something else is because we planned. It's because we communicated. This is what's happening on this day. This is where we can be able to get whatever this task is done here. Put this other task off until next week because we don't have the capacity for it. We're going to rest here. We're going to go ahead and push in here and commit to doing this. And when we did that, I believe we came out of it better and stronger, because we learned how to communicate even better than we have in all the years we've been married, and I credit God for that. But I'm excited about that because I didn't know how we were going to do that and it turned out really really a lot better than I thought.
Speaker 1:But to speak to your answer to the question, what's the next step? When you don't have the time? For me, the first thing I'm thinking about is why don't I have the time? If the queen is the most important relationship in my life, why don't I have the time? What am I doing? The analytical person in me is going to go and write stuff down. I'm going to go sit away and make a list. What am I doing All the things I'm doing? To go sit somewhere and make a list. What am I doing? All the things I'm doing and writing them down? Okay, and I'm like, okay, so where does this all fit?
Speaker 1:There's a book by Stephen Covey, a book that I always talk about on the podcast, seven Habits of Highly Successful People, and it teaches you how to prioritize the things in your life what's urgent, what's not urgent, what's important, what's not important, what's an emergency, what's not and put that into its proper perspective. When I start writing stuff out, I'm like wait a minute, I am busy, but why am I doing this? And do I have the capacity to even see this all the way through if I start doing this. Perhaps this is if I start doing this, perhaps this is something I do. Three months down the line, I even find some things I shouldn't be doing at all Like this is a waste of time. This is ego and pride. Why am I even doing this? I don't need to do this, you know.
Speaker 1:And once you start scaling it down which is what I'm always going to do first then you realize that you know you may be busy, but maybe you're too busy because you got too many things in your life that you shouldn't be doing. That's not something people like to hear. I know people don't like to hear that because they feel like, oh, their routine has been going on so long and they've been doing it. They've been going up, they've been working from seven to seven and it's what they've doing.
Speaker 1:But I challenge you to re-evaluate all the things that are on your list that make you busy. Think about it, because if your marriage is having to take a backseat to all the busyness might be a problem there, because you can be married and still do ministry. You can be married and still take care of your children. You can be married and still go to school. You can be married and still hold care of your children. You can be married and still go to school. You can be married and still hold down a full-time job. You can be married and still do all the things in the community that you want to do. You don't have to give that up. You can be married and still function and accomplish those things. But when your marriage hits a backseat and somebody's being neglected, it's time to question what is in your list and why you're doing it.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's just like the eight to nine days. You were saying that how busy we were and a lot of things we had to do we had to do together, but a lot some of them were separate.
Speaker 2:So, we planned to spend time together by preparing food for the days that we were going to be busy. So that was something that we did together. We took the time out to pray together for some of the things that we had to accomplish that day or that week or those eight to nine days. We took time out to make sure we came together and did something for us to be able to say we were doing this together so that we can be on the same page. And then we went our separate ways and did the things we had to do, but we didn't neglect one another. So that was, you know, that was really good for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. I thought it was too Could ask ourselves what are we busy doing? Yeah, is there a smarter approach? I mean, there's times where people have asked me for some advice as friends, or maybe maybe I have this put on the hat of a mentor in that moment and they ask me like what I'm dealing with this? I'm challenged with this level of commitment in these areas. What can I do? And I'm always asking is there a smarter approach? Is there a wiser approach?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you've been doing it for a long time and maybe you think it's working. Maybe you don't see the cracks or the chinks in the armor, even in your own house. Maybe you don't realize that the kids Are clamoring for more of mommy's time or daddy's time, and you don't see it because You're so eagerly focused on taking care of this plan, the way you have it set up. Maybe it's not the best plan. Maybe there's a smarter route, maybe there's a wiser approach to this. You know, when you're talking about marriage and committing your time to taking care of that relationship, a lot of stuff's going to get in the way. We're going to come to that in a little bit, but you know, we've got to be really intentional about every single brick. We can't build this house quickly. It takes time. Yeah, we had a three-month courtship, but we can't build this house in three months. We're almost in year 29, and we are still figuring out how to build this house.
Speaker 2:Because life has changed, though, Some of the things that we had planned for our future and thought we would be doing now that all got. Oh, that's all that got smashed.
Speaker 2:Yes, Especially when COVID happened. And then you know we were in an accident and that changed a lot of things in life and you know just, it just changed a lot. And so we had to come back to the drawing board and say, okay, so what do we see our future as now, you know, and what do we have planned? How, today, what can we do to help start that building process again for the future, you know? So we had to go and regroup.
Speaker 1:No doubt before we end up on the back in this episode. I'd be remiss if I don't bring this up. And I want to ask you a question about this too, queen. You know there is. There seems to be a what's the word I want here.
Speaker 1:There seems to be a bit of a habit that we have as believers it's not a good habit, by the way, but for lack of a better word, it seems to be a habit that we forget the enemy in the situation. We go through life and we deal with conflicts and all kinds of stuff and we just forget that there's an enemy. We have an adversary that's against us, against our very existence, and we go around doing our life on our schedule, doing our agenda, and we don't even recognize him in the midst of us. And I want to get too deep with this, but I want to definitely put this out here and ask you, when you look at marriage and the idea of keeping the flame or the spark ignited, what areas have you seen the enemy work? Even if you didn't figure it out at first, what areas do you see where the enemy has crept in unawares and hindered the spark from being ignited?
Speaker 2:I think one of the things is that business.
Speaker 2:That has been one of the things, because some of the times we'll say yes to some things and, like you said, it's not really important, you know, especially when we've done that same thing over and over again and we don't see it going anywhere.
Speaker 2:It don't benefit us as a couple, it don't benefit us as believers. It's just a selfishness, you know, and that's one of the things. The other thing is, um, not dealing with issues and having those conversations. You know that we need to have about planning ahead of time, whether we know, like I might want something now but In a couple of months we might need to take those finances and do something like pay a tax or an insurance or something like that. And we didn't communicate with that about that because I just wanted to be selfish. You know we have to look at ourselves as one taking care of our responsibilities. You know, because you know sometimes you got to delay the that thing that you want, you know, for the thing that we need, and I think the needs are more important, you know. And then we have those times for some of our wants.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that. I've seen that. I feel like we have to Almost constantly be on watch To not fall into these areas. Yes, and that's going to require a lot of recognition, a lot of awareness and alertness About our life and what's going to require a lot of recognition, a lot of awareness and alertness about our life and what we invite in and what we let seep out.
Speaker 1:And, like you said, business ventures and stuff play a big part in our history. There could be a love of money attached to that, and that's something where the enemy can be at work and at play. I think a lot of it in the communications world, because that's something that we talk about a lot on the His and Hers podcast. I think assumption plays a big part there too. I think that's the enemy that we need to be dealing with as well. Definitely, we assume that the other person is going to be good with this. We assume that they would get it if you decide to go this route and you don't communicate it to find out whether that's so, and it can cause so many challenges in marriage to assume.
Speaker 1:And then the pride factor that plays a part too, because you feel like you know what? I'm young, I can go hard and have this 16-hour schedule, I'll be all right. A couple of cups of coffee and I can keep on rolling, you know. And then we have health issues. We have areas where we invite sickness into our life because we're not doing well, we're not eating right, we're not taking the right, not having the right intake of vitamins and minerals and supplements and whatever Excuse me and we just don't take care of our bodies out of pride.
Speaker 1:And those are enemies that they can really mess up a marriage. They can really mess up that core relationship. I mean, there's so many enemies that I probably can pick out, but that's just a few of them. But there's just so many of them. I think you know the one I've seen recently in other people's marriages and I definitely work hard for it to not to be in ours. But I see it when people come to us and want to talk about where they are in their marriage and I guess that's their way of asking for counsel, I guess but when they feel as though the other person already knows that they love them so they don't have to do anything to show it.
Speaker 2:What do you think about that one? Wow, that's a big one. You know, when you think about the dating part of your first meeting with the person, the way that you pursued them, the way that you responded to them, that's still who you marry. You know, sometimes you have to go back to that, you know, and we forget about that part. You know I'm not saying that if you gave candy and flowers every day, you got to do that every day of the marriage, had to do that every day of the marriage. But there is a part of who you were when you first met them that they still look for that part of the person. You know, if you said married me and I was a happy, go, lucky person, he still is looking for that person.
Speaker 2:You know, if I'm bitter and mean and withdrawn and selfish, that's not who he married. You know life and the busyness. It did make me mean and sharp every time I opened my mouth because, you know, I felt like I'm carrying the weight of a lot of things. But he wanted to carry it, but I didn't think he would do it the way that I would do it. So it became like a little selfish, prideful thing for me and it was almost like a badge that I would wear, that I'm doing everything and I had to repent. I had to ask for forgiveness and let him do a part of the work too, and be OK with how it turned out, Because Yusef is not me and I'm not him.
Speaker 1:So amen to that but did I answer your question. I believe you did. Yeah, no, there's a uh, that goes, that goes into a lot of places, but we we're figuring out that we got to fiercely defend the covenant.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And it's not something that we can uh drag our feet about. I hope that you got some help in the whole marriage, dating, courtship idea. We had some plans and we're going to talk about it and we just kind of went a different direction, but I'm excited about it. We've been reading through the Old Testament and when you hear about the covenants that's made and the things that are's made and the and the things that are considered holy and important, they were fiercely defended and when they weren't, bad things happened every time Other elements creeped in, every single time. So that means we had to be on the defense for something that we say is important, that we believe matters, and in this context we're talking about marriage, we're talking about the relationship. We got to fiercely defend it. We know that the Bible teaches us that what God has brought together, no man can put asunder, and we fight for that. We fight for it because we know that we can't allow it to take place Anything outside of what we know God has set in position. So we got to fight for it and defend it, and it requires you to be on alert, not looking for an enemy under every corner, but being watchful and alert to areas.
Speaker 1:That could be a problem. It could be a problem in your soul. It could be a problem in your mind. It could be a problem in your attitude and your soul. It can be a problem in your mind. It can be a problem in your attitude and your behavior. It could be a bad habit that got carried over from years ago that you still are doing now. There's a lot of little things that's going to contribute to that, but I think this has been a great conversation. I'm excited to have more of these in the months to come, but hopefully you got something out of that. Anything you want to share, queen, that you think would be a good takeaway from today.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just wanted to say that.
Speaker 2:You know, sometimes we're going through things and it's not the root cause of why we're dealing with that thing.
Speaker 2:Ok, sometimes we need to take the time out to see what the root cause is, and that would help the problem that we're dealing with or the issue that we have. You know, if, um, I'm always got an attitude about something or I always want to spend money on things that are not necessary, you know, there might be a root cause. That might be the way that I deal with pressure or I deal with change, and I really need to deal with that root cause of why I'm responding the way that I do. I think that's in every relationship. Let's get to the root of this thing, because if we say that we are believers and if there's something in us, like you said, in our soul or in our spirit, in our mind or whatever that's not the way God said it should be or, according to the word, that we can deal with that root and we can deal with it by God's word and so that we can not give the enemy a place.
Speaker 1:I love it. A couple of closing scriptures, then we can go ahead and shut the episode down for today. Mark 10, verse 9. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. In Ecclesiastes 4 and 12. And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. We thank you so much for joining us on this journey talking about marriage and married and dating. I hope you got some good, intentional ideals out of this. Be intentional, check in on each other, make sure that you're listening and communicating, recognize the enemy and definitely continue to fiercely defend your marriage and your relationship. Have a great day. We enjoy sharing this with you.
