They Call Me Mista Yu
“They Call Me Mista Yu” is a Christian podcast whose topics include: family, faith, relationships, gardening, and even sports and pop culture! We're the All Purpose Pod for an All Purpose Life discussing topics that affect the whole person. And we want the whole person to be fully engaged with the creative, collaborative, life-changing presence of the Creator! At the core of all we do is Jesus Christ!
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They Call Me Mista Yu
Embracing and Empowering Father and Stepfatherhood - Mista Yu is on the Call With Dads Podcast
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What happens when you find yourself stepping into a role you never imagined, with no guidebook in sight? We unravel this mystery with our special guest, Mista Yu, whose journey from New York to Charleston marks not just a change in scenery but a transformation in life roles. As a stepfather to three daughters, and the loving backbone of a family teeming with grandchildren and a newly discovered great-grandchild, Mista Yu offers a heartfelt glimpse into the world of fatherhood without a prior template. His experiences challenge societal labels, and his story of embracing the "stepfather" title with warmth and resilience might just reshape your understanding of family bonds.
Navigating the complexities of stepfathering reveals deeper truths about love, commitment, and family. Our guests shared personal journeys that shattered stereotypes surrounding parental roles, emphasizing the power of presence over traditional titles and the vital importance of nurturing both marital and familial bonds.
• Exploring the relationship between stepfathers and biological fathers
• Sharing personal anecdotes on blending families
• Emphasizing trust, presence, and authenticity in parenting
• Discussing marital dynamics and their impact on children
• Highlighting a new nonprofit aimed at helping children gain essential life skills
• Understanding the emotional connections that go beyond titles and definitions
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This is Call with Dads, where we dive into the ups, downs and everything in between when it comes to being a dad. Here, it's all about connecting with a community of dads who are committed to learning and leveling up as fathers.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Call with Dads, let's talk. You know, because when you ask them, how do you say Netflix, netflix, yeah, no, it's not Netflix, it's Netflix.
Speaker 3:I can't say croissant. I feel weird in here somewhere when I say that. So I just say croissant. I'm sorry for the French people, but no, let's do this.
Speaker 4:It sounds like we already have a bit of a craziness going on here. Instead of letting everybody else miss out on our weirdness that we're obviously full of at this point, oh yeah, how about we jump into this? So we have Tom from Owner of Respect here, mr Pancakes from Pancakes With your Dad, me, obviously, eric EA Maynard from Call With your Dads Because I don't do much else, and then joining us for our crazy conversation that we've already gone quite a bit into. We have Mr Yu and instead of me going on, can you tell a bit of people about yourself, and then we can dig into all our conversations.
Speaker 3:Of course this is a long story so I'm going to be challenging to make it short, but I'm originally from New challenging to make it short, but I'm originally from New York. I live in Charleston, south Carolina. Now I am a father of three beautiful daughters. We are. Two of them are well, one is very estranged, one is close to being that way. Another one is lives about five minutes away from me. We got six grand kids, four grand boys and two granddaughters and a great grandchild we just found out about that I haven't met yet. So the whole family thing is starting to get intense. But so I'm really attracted to this podcast and this idea of what you guys have been talking about. So I'm excited for everybody to hear about what you've been doing.
Speaker 3:But aside from that, I'm a former a whole bunch of. I'm a former musician. I'm a present day worship leader and musician, now Teacher, not a scholar per se, but just a teacher and administrator and entrepreneur Getting ready to start an awesome nonprofit. I have my hands in a lot of. I'm one of them, jack of all trades and master of none. That's kind of like yeah, it's time to make a t-shirt now. That's kind of what's happening to me. I'm not mastering anything at this point. I'm just trying to make the uh, the world a better place and be a better person while I'm in it. You know so that was a short version of a long, long story, so, but we can get into it if you want to, though.
Speaker 4:Well, let's do this. Let's look at the fact of when you and I first connected, it was discussing a bit about you being a stepdad. Now, with the kids you have, how's the stepdad portion play into it?
Speaker 3:Well, I met my wife in 96. We knew each other for three months and we were married. I don't think it was a rush. It sounded like it was a rush but it really wasn't. It was more of a. I don't want you to worry, kids, man, I'm not really a corny person, but I'll just use that word for lack of a better word. We just knew it was the right thing to do. It was a connection. There was nothing else going on between us Intimately, we just knew that we were supposed to be together. So three months was more than enough time for us to figure that out. So we embarked on that journey. She already had three daughters, all under the age of five at that time. So I came into their life very, very early.
Speaker 3:I was never, ever called a stepfather, nor did I ever use the term. They were my children. The natural father was into a lot of stuff and he was never, ever present. So I took over and I did everything that you would do as a father. So the word step never came out, unless people were wanting to attack me or to perhaps discredit me in some way. So they use the word step as a as a means of trying to demean what I, what I did by stepping into these people's lives, so I never used the term.
Speaker 3:I did write a book. It was something that I think was God inspired. I wrote a book in 2016,. I think it was called the Heart of a Stepfather. You can't find it now. The company was the third largest Christian publisher in the world and then they kind of went belly up, bankruptcy, a whole bunch of stuff. So I never got my royalty, but I still have my copy of the book and I talk about it from time to time on our show.
Speaker 3:And you know it was just an opportunity to chronicle my life because you know to be a parent in any way, shape or form, no matter what the status is. If you don't have that in your background, it's rough sledding. If you don't have a father in your life, it's really rough. Letting it be a father. I mean you can't. I mean my frame of reference was Bill Cosby's show, the Huxtables. That was my frame of reference how to be a father. I didn't have any other frame of reference whatsoever.
Speaker 3:There were men around, but none of them were father figures or had that kind of character. So I would try to figure it out on the fly with these beautiful young girls, so talented and energetic, and got so much ability and potential. I'm like, how do I follow these people? So I was trying to figure it out. It was nothing easy about it. I'm still learning it, even going into our 29th year of marriage right now, still trying to figure out how to do it. But sometimes, like we talked about off air, sometimes the kids don't-air, sometimes the kids don't want to pick up what you're putting down. You know what I mean. You have to kind of do it as part of the course. But you have to be stable and consistent and be who you're supposed to be and everybody else figure it out.
Speaker 4:You know, the funny thing to me is listening to you. It kind of hits me in two ways, personally, in my view, because my wife and I knew each other for four months, almost to the day. Then we got married and we're 11 years now coming up with this. Thank you. So crazy, crazy times, but still I found that if it wasn't for us being married, we probably wouldn't have stayed together as long as we have. And because I believe marriage brings a whole different element to the relationship and if you know you're meant to be together and you're willing to take the work that gets to it, then why wait? So I I understand what you're saying. I'm not thinking you're crazy there, because obviously if you are, I'm just right, you know.
Speaker 4:The funny thing is is everyone asked me if I've got her pregnant. I'm like no so, but people didn't have the highest opinion of me when I was a single guy. We'll say it that way but I get asked the same question.
Speaker 1:We got married we, and I think I proposed it six months. That's always the same thing, yeah what happened um. I fell in love, you sure nothing else happened.
Speaker 2:I get it man I don't even remember how I know that we got married. I was in korea for a year and it was my last. It was my last three months when we finally decided to get married and when I got back it took us about two months to get married. At that point. Prior to that, we had been together for about four or five months and then I went to Korea. So we were together about a year and a half prior to actually getting married, but I was in Korea for a year. So it was kind of like long distance kind of for a year, which not so much. But the funny thing is when, uh, my wife is actually of korean descent. She's not korean, but she's of korean descent. So, uh, when I first got back, like everybody was like, oh, you brought one back with you, did you? Like? No, she, she, she likes football, she's american, she's from michigan people are.
Speaker 4:People are nuts about that. But the other thing that gets me is the stepfather side of it, because, like you said, you don't use the word step and, like for me, I grew up where my stepdad, he was more in my life than my biological father and he tried to keep try to have my biological father and I have a relationship. But it wasn't really positive for me to have that relationship when my my stepdad, paul, he was the one that hey, do this, don't do this, stop messing off all this stuff, you know. So the key benefits I find I learned in my life a lot of the manhood things came from him and my biological father was more of.
Speaker 4:This is not who you want to be. This personality, this way of life, of life. I mean he made money, he, he made good money, all this stuff, he had nice stuff. But once you get past the material things you realize that's not the kind of life you want if you have to be a miserable person and angry and all this stuff. So it was kind of kind of just an issue that I'm like. You know, I find my stepdad gave me more to go off of than my biological father. That's, that's kind of what attracted me to when you said you were. You have the um reluctant stepdad issue that you started with and, as you just said, you, you're not a stepdad, you're a dad. So I kind of can understand that full-heartedly yeah, I had a stepfather as well.
Speaker 2:um, my, my dad, my real dad, was in my life, um, but he, he wasn't a bad guy. He just wasn't in my life because of my mom, because my you know, long story short, my, my mother, is currently in prison. She's like the most wretched human being on planet Earth, you know, it's just how she is. So my stepdad, for many, many years, while growing up, my mom made him out, my stepdad out, to be like some martyr, you know very violent, mean, so on and so forth forth, which it turned out as I'm older. Now he's not, he's a super nice guy, and my dad, uh, she made him out to be like a loser. You know stuff like that which now I look at my dad and my dad's he's not. You know, he's super nice guy. He uh multiple businesses, stuff like that's just like a serial entrepreneur, makes money.
Speaker 2:And the majority of his exit from our lives growing up was my mother's fault. She kind of made that happen and made it look like it was his fault. My stepdad was a little bit more aggressive, but my mom made it seem to be much more than it really was. He did spank and stuff like that, but he never actually hit us or did anything like that, so she just made it seem like that all the time, although one time my stepdad I mean the people can't see it, but you may be able to see it I got a scar somewhere like right here. My stepdad backhanded me with a pair of large pliers Not on purpose, that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 2:My mom made it seem like and told everybody it was on purpose, but it was actually an accident. He turned and just happened to have them in his hand. It cracked me in the head I think I was like five. That's about the only thing that ever happened. My stepdad was a good man. He's still still pretty good man.
Speaker 3:I still talk to him now and then it's worth sledding man Cause it just kind of. It just kind of just feels like you know people, people who step into situations where there's a void like that, become scapegoats for stuff. I'm like, okay, before it's kind of like simple mathematics mathematics it was zero and now it was five. Like which one is better, zero or five? I'm gonna give some credit to what's actually happening. What's what's been done, what's being built, even if it's not to the level that you imagine in your mind, if you fancied it, at least give credit for what's been done. It's like I wrote that book because I'm like that's not what's happening. These guys are getting the, they're getting scapegoated for a lot of stuff and when people like the other, the other spouse, Jesus, Joe, they find a other person expendable or they want to get an upgrade you know what I'm saying? You hear all kinds of this to this credit and this fame place. It's not even cool because in all that's going on, nobody's thinking about the kids.
Speaker 1:Right. So I got a question for you, seth, about that. Sorry, I had to change locations in my house. It's kind of a chaotic day in the household here, but I wanted to be here to talk with you guys. So, talking about the idea of stepfather, like I know, I don't know what your dynamic was in your household when your three daughters were young. I don't know if they knew that you were their stepfather or what I assume they did know that you were the stepfather, not the biological father. Yes, they definitely did.
Speaker 3:Is that correct? Yeah, they see the other guy, but not in the best of conditions. I think their attachment to the family was the freedom to do things that they couldn't do at home. So it wasn't really about him, it was about just being in that area so they can have that liberty to do things that you know or be around people that we probably wouldn't approve of. So he was there, but he was never really present. He was never. He didn't take them to the store and buy them candy. He was not involved whatsoever. He was involved in other things that he pleasured himself with. But they always knew that. They knew there was a void there. They were super happy at the wedding which was kind of thrown together. Just to be honest about it my wife tells the story better than I do.
Speaker 3:But the church that she was a part of I joined her there and nobody really approved of us. The whole church was like, eh, we want to be a part of it, we don't approve, we don't approved of us. The whole church was like, eh, we want to be a part of it, we don't approve, we don't approve of him. He's from New York, we don't know where he's coming from, and et cetera, et cetera. So we just had a quick wedding in the church. A very small handful of folks was there, but the kids were.
Speaker 3:I remember that very distinctly. The girls were so excited, they were so happy. I didn't know why they were happy at first, but they were so happy Like, oh yes, you know what I'm saying. I didn't know that they had some other ideas about what they can do. Now. I didn't test that in the interim. I was like okay, so I was just happy to be there and be a part of this and be a part of their lives and them a part of mine. So they knew To answer your question, Tommy no-transcript that.
Speaker 1:How did you counteract that like kind of lack of credibility as a stepfather?
Speaker 3:Okay, great question, man. I think most of that came from the people who were on the well, on both sides of the family, to be honest with you the maternal side and the paternal side I kind of felt like, oh, rather than deal with the fact that this gentleman dropped the ball in an epic way and abandoned his responsibility, rather than deal with that part, it was just easy. I was more accessible. I was there, I was going to the schools, I was going to the PTA, I was at everything All day with saddles. I was there, I was going to the schools, I was going to the PTA, I was at everything All day with saddles. I was always there. It was easier to attack me than to attack the unknown, faceless person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were the target Right exactly.
Speaker 3:So that came from both sides of the family. Now I'm from New York, so I'm already a fighter by trade. I was fighting when I came out of the womb. I'm ready for it. No gloves, bare knuckles, let's do this. But that's just where I come from.
Speaker 3:So I fought a lot of that stuff, not physically but in other ways, but on the other side of it, as far as the credibility goes, I mean, honestly I'm not having a background to understand what it means to be a father or in stepfatherhood. I have no idea. I didn't read any books. I didn't know what to do with that. All I knew was the best thing I could do was just be me. That was my best answer. I may not be the one that you get clinically, but that was my best answer. Just be the best me that I can be in this situation. It's kind of been a mantra for my life for decades. Now, just be the best me, after me be.
Speaker 3:I know that I had a lot of growing to do because I had no background, no experience. Everything I seen from my hood was awful. So I'm like, yeah, I don't want to do that, that, that or that. So I was just trying to figure out. How do I, how do I, how do I do this in? You know who they need to be president or CEO of a company or whatever they're going to grow up to become. So I don't know if I really have a great answer for that, tom. I just kind of feel like I have to just try to be me and all this stuff. Try to learn. Learn from my mistakes. Learn when I you know if I'm going too far with the discipline or if I need to back off and have a little grace and understand the mediums. Know when they're playing us against each other, you know. Just understand what's happening and just be aware and learn, make adjustments and not just be so rigid that I can't see that.
Speaker 2:You know, maybe it's time for a pivot so I honestly I think I mean honestly I have a little bit of an answer for you, tom, on that with how my stepdad did it, you know, because me and my brother we had a sister that was his, but me and my brother were not his, you know. And so he was our stepdad but not hers. So there, that lack of credibility like you talk about could have been there, but it actually never ended up becoming part of our thing. And one of the ways I think and I don't know if he did it specifically like he thought about it prior to becoming a stepfather or if that's just how he was I never really discussed that with him, but the way he held his credibility with us as the authority figure in the house the father stuff like that is the authority figure in the house, the father stuff like that is he was never off his game, never Like I never caught him off his game, not once, not ever, didn't matter.
Speaker 2:And one of the one of the things was if he said it, it was true, it was done. You know what I mean. So if he said you do that again, I'm going to whoop your ASS. And it did. And he only said it once and once, every time, for the entire time that I knew the guy, he never, not once, said anything or told me not to do something, or yelled at me twice, Not once. If he said it and I did it again, he did exactly what he said immediately, every single time. And I mean he's, I, I know him to be true to this day to still be like that. Granted, he's, you know, I'm 40 years old, he's no longer an authority figure for me, but you know, still, um, he, his personality is still like that. So I, I would say that's how he did it. I'm not saying that's how everyone does it, but his credibility came from the fact that he held credibility all the time in his own self as a man.
Speaker 3:OK if I add something to this.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I didn't think about this as being credible. I guess my whole motivation was just to just kind of be authentic and do me. But some of you said something for me, One of the things that I don't know what year it was, but it was very early on. I recognize it was something that was I guess it wasn't a father and daughter dance. It was something that you know you want to invite the family to. I just remember if it was a graduation, what it was, and I think he put a go down.
Speaker 3:They put a go down one weekend to spend time with him and he he no, showed him that the first time. It was the first time that I saw it. He no, showed him. And that was my first time seeing them react in a way, I guess, where they seemed to be hurt by it. So it wasn't because of this, but it kind of added a little fuel to the fire of what I was trying to accomplish and I realized that, okay, the void that they had because he didn't show up, because he wasn't present, because he wasn't—he could have been a part of their life. It wouldn't have hurt my feelings. I wouldn't have been trying to oppose it, as long as you're keeping all the extracurriculars out of it, you're not putting them in danger.
Speaker 3:I'm good with it. Go ahead, man, do you? But for me, I think one of the things I want to do is make sure I loved their. It kind of shows them you know what that? This is what it looks like and what it's going to be and what we believe it's going to be for you when you grow up and have a husband. This is what it's going to look like To have a stable, loving marriage. I ain't going away for hours. I'm coming back. I ain't going to go get some cigarettes. I'll never come back. I'm coming back home every night.
Speaker 2:I show up. That's one of the best things you can do for your children is to love their mother.
Speaker 1:It's fascinating because listening to you guys talk, there's kind of two things that I've kind of picked up. On One, it almost seems like, if you turn the question on its head right, being a biological father, that natural credibility that comes along with it could easily be used as a crutch right, whereas as a stepdad you don't have that opportunity. You have to, you have to stand on your own. And it kind of goes back to a core principle of my own personal philosophy is the idea of being a man of high character and kind of everything falls into place beyond that. It's like a domino effect, right, and so you touched on that too.
Speaker 1:Being a stepfather, you know, if you're a man of high character, you kind of naturally develop that credibility. And what you talked about Yousef, with him not being present, he's a man of low character and so inevitably he actually created a vacuum in their life that you were able to take I don't want to say take advantage of, but that you were able to utilize to your benefit, right, where you can kind of step in and fill that space. And now you become the representation of a good father, right, and it doesn't come from bad mouthing him, it just simply comes from stepping up when he doesn't.
Speaker 3:You know it never happened. I never said one bad word about it. I mean, I had, I had, I had material. I could have had a comedy routine last me 10 years. So his life, that's what it was about. I never. I never used it. I never used what I knew that they didn't even see some stuff. I knew something they didn't even know about. I never used it. I never said it in front of them, never ever.
Speaker 1:You just waited for him to slip. You knew it would happen, and when it did, you were there. I just wanted to be there, period. I didn't care what the scripting stood.
Speaker 2:I was there.
Speaker 1:That's all it was about.
Speaker 3:It was never a competition because, honestly, there really wasn't one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 4:So let me ask you this, because going into an instant family because that's what becoming a stepdad without kids is is going into an instant family. Sure, you went from all peaceful probably a peaceful apartment, quiet, all this. I don't know what kind of craziness. You lived beforehand, but you would be able to.
Speaker 4:Well, I understand that. But the comparison roommates you can at least tell where to go. Kids, you don't have that option very often. So, going from crazy roommates, crazy wild times, bachelor of life to instant family, all the differences, all that comes to that I know you probably went in with a mindset of this is the things I have to get ready to deal with.
Speaker 4:What? What was it that you found was a surprise to you, that you didn't really expect to be? Because, like for me, as a dad that's been there from birth to it's my oldest is almost turning seven I've got, I've gotten used to and, mind you, I'm still going. I'm an old dad, I guess is what I've called, but because I'm 45 or so like that. But the fact is is I've gotten used to because I've been working with them since day one. So it's not like I'm instantly jumping in at this point where, like when my mom comes to visit, she's thrown for a loop, even though she's raised my brother and I, because it's completely different dealing with my son and my daughter. So, just jumping in from the point that you did, what did you, I guess, realize or find different for what you're used to, what you expected and what was reality?
Speaker 3:This is a toughie, but it's a good one. My wife would love to hear this part of this because she loves me to own this in front of other people. I'm owning it today. It's public, it's live.
Speaker 3:I think one of the things that I didn't realize and I really didn't figure it out until probably about 10 years ago, which is not a great thing I'm already in my mid fifties already, so I'm like I should have already conquered this already. But I had trust issues that I bought into this. I didn't realize that I had that. I wanted them to trust me, but I was like I didn't have any secrets, but I was like guarded about certain things with everybody in the household. I didn't realize when the kids got older and left and some left early because they just couldn't take a household of discipline and spirituality and et cetera and rules. They couldn't take all that. So there's a lot of them left early. But I didn't realize when it was just me and the wife here that I'm like I'm still guarded, I'm still protecting myself from my best friend in the whole world. Why is that happening? So that was a revelation for me, because when I had the roommates, that made sense.
Speaker 3:They leave my checkbook laying around for you bums, who knows?
Speaker 4:what might happen. You know what?
Speaker 3:I'm saying that made sense to me. I didn't leave my wallet sitting around. I know you, but I ain't leaving my wallet sitting around. I know you, but I don't trust you like that. You know I get that. It's just one eye open. I mean, I did that sometimes with somebody's roommate. I'm like I don't know what's happening.
Speaker 3:But in this case, you know, I'm not. I'm with my best friend and it's just her and I in the house and I'm still guard. I'm still protecting myself from what might happen. That's, that's unhealthy. So it took a little while to figure it out. Some things happened with us that made me like, oh wow, I didn't realize I was in that state. So we're talking about about 10 years ago that I just started figuring that out at all the time we've been married. So that was a big revelation. But it was a breakthrough, because now I'm like you know what? I can turn my back and she got a sharp object behind her and I don't. I'm just like, hey, I'm in this for the long haul. We are here. I left my hometown and everybody I knew to come down here into the South, which is like a dichotomy all by itself. Why would you do that?
Speaker 3:I came down here and stayed. I didn't go back. I had a couple opportunities to go back. I'm out of this place. This place is nuts. I stayed. So it was just about recognizing that when you love somebody and you're all in, you know some of it's blind. You don't know what's going to happen, you can't see the future. You just you know I'm here. I'm here for this and I think that was a big part of even though our children may never see it right now in front of us, they've been watching that. I got my mom and my sister they all still live in New York and they're surprised when we have an anniversary. I told them it's our anniversary. I'm like how many years has it been? It's been that many years? It's been that many years you ain't keep me trying.
Speaker 4:You know what.
Speaker 3:I'm saying but it's just a testament that it's not a fly-by-night thing, because I've had that kind of history. I'll be honest about it. I've started stuff and stopped and never finished it, especially back home in New York and I was doing music and everything. I was starting stuff and never finished things. I'm finishing and we're going almost into 30 years Next year. I'm like we're finishing this. So this is like this is. It was a good testimony for them. And the girls are saying you know what this is, what it looks like when a man stays, when he doesn't quit and he doesn't give up, when he honors his commitments, when he has integrity and he stays. And I end up post-abort for that, because I mess up a whole bunch of times. But I want to at least show that part because I feel like that's in me to do that. So I hope that makes sense. But that's kind of just the way I was with it.
Speaker 4:Makes sense to me. Now there's also the fact of we talked before we started recording this that you actually are diving into a whole new thing with a nonprofit because of your being the stepdad. All this, which, being a dad, the whole experience as it personally, I think everyone here has discovered that being a dad drives you to do things you never thought you'd do before.
Speaker 3:Ain't that the truth? Amen?
Speaker 4:And well, like, look at Mr Pancakes trying to bring traditional back to families with with morning, sunday morning breakfast, which I'm still trying to push him to create a pancake recipe book. Tom earn her respect, bringing men back to being respectful so that their wives respect him as much, so that he has a good family. And then me, I just like to talk as much as I can. So with that, you and Mr Campion, both are starting nonprofits to help bring families to be more productive, be better. How did that happen for you? What actually clicked in you that said, I have to create this?
Speaker 3:Well, part of it came from a dream. I've always had an affinity for the next generation. I wanted to see them come up. I was a former life coach and business coach for several years. I had my own practice and everything. So I was always thinking about the impact of our current actions and how it affects the future and how we deal with the current if we don't deal with the past first. So I've always dealt with that kind of stuff. But it started with a dream and we started seeing logos and designs. I'm like I knew this was bigger than us. I'm like we have a dream, but it's like this is something different about this one and what came out of it was save the children sc. Uh. Essentially the non-profit thing is is in, uh in play. Mr pancakes kind of scared me a little bit with that number. He dropped offline like how much it costs to start application.
Speaker 4:I'm still gonna do it somehow it's a pain in the butt.
Speaker 3:I'm going to figure it out. I think it has to happen. I was trying to go outside of the 501c3 route, but I don't think I can avoid it because of the magnitude of what we're trying to do, so we're going to bite the bullet and step into it you can get a non-profit and have a non-profit without the 501c.
Speaker 2:You just get a nonprofit and have a nonprofit without the 501c. You just get a normal EIN, yeah, but you have to pay taxes. So every time somebody donates money to you, you have to pay taxes. So if they give you $100, you have to pay $22 or whatever the tax is, whatever the tax rate is on that. So that's why you get the 501c and you got to read about 501c's, because I mean there's a laundry list. So there's 501c threes, then there's 501c fours. Threes have a laundry list of all like probably 200 different styles and different things to do, and the 501c fours are all designed specifically for, like, education and churches. But you have to read because there's another laundry list of like 300 different ways. And why is? You can do it and you have to select just the right one and pick the right one. And you can. You can call the irs and ask them about it and they'll help you, supposedly, but it's yeah, it's a nightmare yeah, I, I need help, but it's why I'm taking so long doing it.
Speaker 3:I need help with that. Just being fully transparent. I'm not good with that kind of stuff, but basically the idea was to promote several things. I mean life skills, because I've seen so many young people who just don't understand simple things. We talked about a little bit of that offline too. They don't get it Stuff like financial literacy and how to treat, uh, a lady and vice versa. It's like they don't have it. It should feel like it's deteriorating real fast and I'm like I don't. I'm the one person can't stop this, uh, can't stop this train. They seem to be on the tracks rolling this locomotive, but I want to try.
Speaker 1:Not only do they not have it, they're being confronted with the exact opposite, without question.
Speaker 3:So what we're trying to do is say the truth and see to try to promote you know what it means to restore family values, traditional values. In some ways they are biblical and spiritual and conservative in nature. But that's that's where we are. It is what it is. So we try to get that, get that going. It's a work in progress. The website is live right now. Savethechildrensccom is already up. The camps and the skills classes are in progress. We're not there yet, but we're working on that part. There's merch out there too, on the site. I'm not really concerned about the merch so much. It's just a way to kind of just support what we're trying to accomplish and send the message out. Word of mouth and everything, uh.
Speaker 3:But everything you guys been talking about in in all three of the stories that you guys shared with me today, all those things are the kind of thing that I'm honestly, I'm shocked. I'm sitting here on this panel with you guys today. I'm my mind is blown. I'm like you can't, you can't, you can't create this kind of situation. You might. Might think you guys might think it was chance. Oh, just lucky, you found me on match. No, that's not what happened. This is bigger than that Everything you guys are talking about is exactly something that we're trying to accomplish through Save the Children. There's nothing. It's not separate whatsoever. There's a lot of synchronicity in this, so I'm excited about that, because I want to support you guys as well. So I have a question for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you're good. So, with the idea that you're coming up with with your nonprofit and stuff, the things that you plan to do, do you? So? I guess it's a multi-part question question Do you intend to just be for like any type of parents, normal parents, or do you intend to focus towards step parents you know connections or biological parents or just both? Overall? The reason, the reason I ask is, I mean, you know, and I'm going to play devil's advocate here on the negativity towards, you know, step parents.
Speaker 2:Um, there there is the whole idea of the Cinderella effect. That is a. It's a real thing.
Speaker 2:The Cinderella effect has been studied. There's a few studies I was reading about it, um, where they say that the number one predictor in child abuse is whether there's a step parent in the home or not. And if there is, that means they're more than likely will be. Um, there has been several studies. The majority of the studies are done by the exact same people, so you can almost guarantee there's some sort of bias, you know. So it doesn't necessarily mean it's true, but they say the first one was like seven times more likely for child abuse, and this was done in the 70s. And then they did another one a little bit later, like in the 80s and it was in the 40s, like 40 times. And then they did another one later on and they said today it's more, so closer to the hundreds, it's 100 times more likely to be abused by a step-parent. But they don't go into a lot of detail with some things, you know. I mean it's like, you know, the, the one person came up with something like a picture of whether you're gonna get bitten by sharks if you go in the ocean. You know, they do the study and all the people in the ocean, and they say, well, you know, of course those people got bit because they were in the ocean. So you take this amount of people and so many people are in the ocean, well, they don't count all the people that weren't in the ocean. You know what I mean. So it's the same concept. So there's definitely going to be a solid bias.
Speaker 2:I know the NIH, the National Institute of Health, granted their credibility in the toilet today. Toilet today, you know. But I wonder why they did one, as they did one as well. So they also did one recently. So that that was my, my question. Uh, with the cinderella effect and the whole ideology behind the cinderella effect, negativity towards, you know, step parents and abuse and stuff like that um does. Do you you intend to work towards like maybe uh getting step parents that are having that trouble and families that have that trouble and maybe connect them a little bit better, find ways, you know, doing like you said, uh doing in-person things like little uh classes or uh what you call them, where you get the families, the step parent and the child to actually connect? You know, because I think that's one of the largest things that they were saying is the problem, you know, the the step parent doesn't have a connection to the child and then when the child obviously being 10 years old, like whatever, I don't want to stay in my room.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. So so I don't know this kid's freaking jerk, you know I, you know. So first thing you do is smack the crap out of it and say you know, stop. So I understand where the idea comes from. But they don't have a biological connection to their child, so I guess that's where that ideology comes from. I'm just curious about your.
Speaker 3:That's an awesome question. I'm doing my best to try to answer.
Speaker 3:Hopefully I'm smart enough to answer that question. That was a really intelligent question. What I tried to do with the site. If you look at it you can kind of see some of the wording. It's not anything sinister about it. I tried to have the wording on the website to be general enough for us to have room to expand and to do things within that, without being too specific. And then I'm trapped in that language and I can't do anything. So, yes, the emphasis is on the children specifically, but you can't emphasize the children and not emphasize the parents. It's kind of I'm hoping it's implied. I don't know if we have to say that specifically, but I think it's kind of implied. Aside from little rascals, kids don't walk around without adult supervision. Very often kids don't walk around without adult supervision. Very often they don't go to the store and jump on buses and trolleys together like little rascals, like where's your parents?
Speaker 3:So, that's weird. So it's implied that I want them to be involved in the process, without question. I can't really ignore the step-parenting part. I feel like I'm not being loyal Because what I went through I mean, honestly, I wrote the book. If you can't read the book now, I'm working on trying to get that put out again with a different publisher.
Speaker 3:But a lot of it was hell, just to be honest about it. I went through hell with that situation, so there's no way I can ignore people who are in that situation right now. I got to include them. It wasn't even an afterthought. Yeah, I got to include them. It wasn't even an afterthought. Yeah, I gotta include them. Now we do have the right to decline working with some parents. If this is a situation that we don't really agree with, I'll let you deal with the understanding behind that. We can talk about it offline, but there's some things that I can't coach and associate with, because I don't really agree with what you're doing and how it impacts the child. So, yeah, we have the right to reserve the right to not be a part of that.
Speaker 3:But beside that, yeah, I mean step parents and biologicals. Yeah, I mean this is. This is something I wanted to be involved with, because these kids are going back home with you. I need you to understand what they're learning. I mean they learn something in school and to understand what they're learning. I mean they're learning stuff in school and who knows what they're getting? I mean the new math. I don't know what they're learning right now. You know what I'm saying? Common core, I mean you name it. They got stuff going on out there. But I want you to be a part of this, because I believe this is the kind of stuff that this is life skills you can teach the toddlers coming up when they old enough to understand they can learn the same things too. So I hope to answer the question. That was like I said, it was a great question. I think my answer was probably less than what you might have been looking for, but I just I tried to do my best. Did I did? I? Did I touch it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:yeah, that was I around it in the I would say, more of an overall you. You have the options to help with step-parents as well as regular parents as well. That's good.
Speaker 3:I have to. I could be a lawyer if I didn't because they're out there. A lot of people don't show up. It's not just fathers, Mothers do. They don't show up for their kids. They're not present and some people are single In the end it's about the children Every time.
Speaker 2:In the end it's about the children. Every time In the end it's about the children In the end. Yes, sir, that's one thing I tell my wife. When we first met, you know both of us were the same way. You know my daughter's number one no matter what Daughter's number one. You know we were both that way and it took me maybe a couple years to kind of realize no, she's not my daughter's number one, but she can't be number one in order to be number one. Unfortunately it's a weird thought, but my wife is number one and in order for my daughter to get the most and the most benefit, my wife needs to be number one.
Speaker 2:We figured that out In the end it's about her, but right now it's not.
Speaker 3:We were in the worst challenge of our entire marriage before we figured that out. We were in a fire with gasoline drawers. We were in trouble.
Speaker 2:Because you two fight when it's about a kid all the time.
Speaker 3:We thought it was both about our peace and then making them happy. This is a horrible strategy.
Speaker 3:It's all about making a kid happy, not each other, and we were not happy. In the middle of our living room back in Columbia, we joined hands in the middle of the room and we prayed and we said you know what, no matter what happens, me and you are in this together. I started this with you and this is ending with you. It's just me and you. I don't care what nobody else says about us. As long as me and you are on the same page, we're going to stop. We can do anything.
Speaker 3:And that was the turning point for our marriage. My wife was here. She would tell you the same exact thing, that one point by day. It wasn't the wedding ring, it wasn't the, it was none of that stuff. It was that moment in that living room. So you know what? What? We are under assault right now. Everybody's coming after us, and I mean everybody. Nobody was on our side about what we were doing and we were heading. And we said as long as you and I are together in this, as long as you and I, we can't be stopped. We are unstoppable. And when that happened, we've been like a freight train ever since.
Speaker 4:We don't care what our kids say.
Speaker 3:Who lies about us. We don't care. I'm like no, this is the United Front and you ain't breaking through it. This is the tag team. This is the Royal Warriors. We're going to win championships. If you get in the way, we're going to mow you down, Simple.
Speaker 4:And when that?
Speaker 3:happened. Our attitude just changed. We were like that's it, and that was a turning point for everything. So what you said, I love it, but they can't be number one, they can't be number two or three. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:In the end, it's about the children. Yeah, not now. Now it's about the husband and wife, and it has to be because you got to think about it. If you two are arguing all the time, what's the kid gaining Misery, right? So they're not, they're in turn not getting number one.
Speaker 1:And evidence. We had the same experience. We kind of realized that, uh, you know, there's there's a, there's a there's like kind of this beautiful aspect to uh marriage. I mean, at the end of the day, you know, there's the old adage, you can't choose your family. Well, that is true, except for your wife. Your wife is the one family member that you have chosen and there's a lot of power in that right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a decision in a man's life copy that.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, easy, yeah easy. And it's an, it's an agreement, it's a, it's a it's. You've made a vow, right, you have devoted yourself to this, to this agreement with this, with this woman, and you know, I would say that, like as a base level, right, when it comes to a man of good character, at a base level, if you cannot keep your marriage vows, then I think everything else falls apart. No doubt I agree.
Speaker 4:You know we've covered a ton of area here. I mean it's just trying to think back of everything we've discussed. It's been a wide range from becoming a stepfather, becoming more than just as a stepfather not letting the stepfather take the step out of the father, as you say you do and then marriage the 501Cs that you and Mr Pancake are having fun with. I need encouragement. Help me, so I mean AI. That's the best advice I can give you, it'll kill us all, but it won't kill us today.
Speaker 2:Use it today, because it'll eventually kill us all, but we're not there yet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've used it to draft things before Draft rental contracts and draft it.
Speaker 3:It is very useful. Show me how to do that, tell me.
Speaker 2:So so if you're writing, if you're writing your uh cause you have, you have to write your bylaws and you have to write your uh articles of incorporation for, for your, so you can get your incorporation. And then you got to do that, yep, and then you got to write your bylaws for the nonprofit in itself. And the bylaws are very they have to be specific because if you know anything about nonprofits, nonprofits you don't own a nonprofit. The public owns a nonprofit based on how it's designed. So as though most of you guys know what's that news guy, he is James O'Keefe. He had that one Project Veritas. He was the founder and CEO of Project Veritas for like years and the board pushed him out. It was his, it was nobody else's. They booted him. He's no longer part of it. You know what I mean. So it very easily can become not yours anymore. So you have to write in the bylaws very unique language and definitely use AI to do that.
Speaker 3:I'd be waiting for you guys' emails or texts to tell me how to do it. I'm speaking Greek to a Frenchman. I have no idea what that means.
Speaker 4:I'll tell you what. This is obviously something we can go in more detail between all of us after this, because there's a whole list that Mr Pancake has that personally I have no idea about, and you guys might work better together talking to each other, but let's do this.
Speaker 4:Where do people find you if they want to reach out to you? Because you have a laundry list of places people can reach you, or at least accounts that I saw for you. Where do you want people to reach out to you, yusuf, to build like to contact you with questions, with whatever.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, not TikTok I'm not doing that anymore, I'm not going back but we do have a YouTube channel. Everything is at. They call me Mr U M-I-S-T-A-Y-U, except for Twitter, that's M-R-Y-U, but you can find us there. We are taking questions. Anybody who listens to the audio versions of our show, of course Apple Podcasts, amazon Music, spotify, those things you can find us there. If it's just video, the YouTube channel is probably the best place. If you got social, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter too, but the YouTube channel is probably the best place, for all of our stuff is currently being housed and categorized.
Speaker 3:I got somebody to help me make it look right. It's all good right now. Of course, I'm open to emails too. They call me MrU at gmailcom. I can take emails there as well. I do answer questions periodically coaching, parenting, et cetera. It does come to me, but that's where you can find us. We've been doing this for about four years and it's starting to look better and better, so I'm excited about where things are headed. So, and all the collaborations like this we call with dads and you, fine gentlemen, I'm like this is just I. I'm excited about 2025, so hopefully you can continue to tune in and listen to what we have to put out there and hopefully it's making a difference sounds good and tom tom.
Speaker 4:Where can people find you if they want to ask you questions or get to know you more?
Speaker 1:yeah, so I'm always available. On x at earn her respect. You guys will find all my, all my content, all my musings. You can also direct message me there if you'd like. I'm working on a few projects as well that are kind of going to be coming out here. I don't know, next six, seven months or so We'll see, but I've got a nonfiction book and a children's book that are both in the works and, really taking my time, I want to make sure that those are just right when I release them. So those are in the works too. But, yeah, those are are just right when I release them.
Speaker 3:So, um, so those are in the works too, uh, but yeah, yeah, on x is primarily my where you'll find me. I'm following you there, by the way, so already following you, oh, thanks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if I have to have to check out, to check the link and and see I haven't had a chance to browse your twitter yet, but I'm excited to see what you got. X not Twitter.
Speaker 3:I'm still calling it Twitter. I kind of can't help it. I'm rebelling against the whole X thing.
Speaker 4:Mr Pancakes, how about you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know obviously the main place, pancakeswithyourdadcom. You'll find tons of resources. There's lots of articles and blog posts to read with all kinds of information. There's cool downloads for woodworking so you can connect with your kid. It's all free. You know plenty, plenty of cool merch. Definitely, buy some merch. Check out some stuff.
Speaker 2:We have all kinds of shenanigans and nonsense. Some cool stuff, some shenanigans, um, but definitely, uh, the more you buy the, the the profit from it helps us buy things like my cool mic here and different stuff like that helps us continue keeping on providing as much information to you guys as physically possible. Um, on there you'll have all my socials, you know, uh, x, uh, facebook, instagram, linkedin, true Social. Those are the main places you'll find me. To be honest, I've been lackluster on content and connection on there, for good reason. I'm definitely working on something, obviously talking about the nonprofit deal. It's a big thing in works. It's a lot of work, so it's definitely taking up a majority of my time, um, as well as some other stuff. I want to take up some time off with the family anyways. So, um, not releasing information on it yet just because I don't want to get egg on my face when it doesn't work out makes sense.
Speaker 4:So obviously you can go to callwithdadscom. If you you're listening to the show, you should at least know how to spell call with dads and just add a dot com at the end of it. Logically, I mean, you would think, call with dads. We basically have where you can find Mr Pancakes, tom. We have their bios on there as well, with links to their all their socials and their websites and what so have you so you can reach out to them as well, with links to all their socials and their websites and what so have you so you can reach out to them. You can also go to homestercom, which is a homeschooling website that we've just started that is building up curriculums and building up different people coming on board to help add different courses for people to learn. We're hoping that it becomes a much bigger thing that allows homeschoolers to have a future, to get away from public schools and make homeschooling easier. That's the theory behind it.
Speaker 4:So, with that being said, we appreciate everyone being here. We appreciate everyone listening. Follow us, tell people about us, make sure that you share what you hear, because not everyone knows about us, which is a shame. So, with that being said, thank you. Hold on, yousef, if you would. This is the end of the conversation for everybody else, but for us, we'll talk a few minutes more see you guys.
