From Prodigal to Purpose: Ana Murby's Redemption Story

What happens when your life falls apart and you find yourself alone in a new state with no support system? For Ana, this breaking point became the foundation for an extraordinary journey back to faith and purpose.

A journey through a  "legalistic" Christian household, feeling controlled by family expectations, an abusive marriage, and a strong addiction to pornography are just some of Ana's story we'll discuss. Her refreshing and authentic approach to leading herself first is eye-opening and rare!

Through her podcast "Honest Christian Conversations," Ana creates space for Christians to discuss topics often considered taboo in church settings. Her mission stems from her own experience of feeling unable to express doubts or ask questions within her faith community. "I started the podcast because I'm tired of skirting around issues," she explains, "I don't want people to be led down the same path as me."

• Moving from Sacramento to Connecticut to escape family control and an abusive ex-husband
• Building a blended family and navigating co-parenting with multiple fathers
• Supporting a daughter struggling with identity issues while maintaining clear boundaries
• Overcoming a 17-year pornography addiction and finding freedom at a porn convention
• Creating the "Honest Christian Conversations" podcast to address topics often considered taboo in church
• Committing to radical honesty after years of feeling like a hypocrite
• Learning Russian with the goal of sharing the gospel with Russian speakers

Connect with Anna's podcast Honest Christian Conversations or reach out to her if you're struggling with addiction at honestchristianconversations.com.

Ready to hear more authentic stories of faith that don't shy away from the messy parts of life? Subscribe now and join the conversation as we explore what it truly means to follow Christ in today's world.

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/honest-christian-conversations/id1733709345

Website: https://www.honestchristianconversations.com/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@honestchristianconversations

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Chapters

• 0:38 Meeting Anna Murphy
• 5:28 Moving from California to Connecticut
• 15:32 Blending Families and Co-Parenting Challenges
• 26:54 Supporting a Daughter Through Difficult Times
• 32:51 Women and Pornography Addiction
• 45:47 Honest Christian Conversations Podcast
• 52:41 Finding Home and Purpose Again

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:38

welcome back to your favorite interview show. I'm one-on-one with Mr U. I'm your host, of course, Mr U. In studio with us is podcast host and author Anna Murphy. So excited to have you in, Anna. This is such fun. We had an awesome pre-interview chat. I'm excited for the folks to get a chance to meet you live and in person. How are things with you all?

Speaker 2: 0:58

They're good, they're good. We've had a couple days of lousy weather, rain and everything, but today we have the sun back, so we'll see.

Speaker 1: 1:07

Rain.

Speaker 2: 1:07

That's lousy weather, it is because I don't like the oh, I love the snow. I'd rather shovel than go out in the rain.

Speaker 1: 1:18

Not too many people like hearing that.

Speaker 2: 1:20

Yeah, I don't mind, especially at night. It's just. It's a really peaceful thing to be outside in the snow at night.

Speaker 1: 1:27

Snow is beautiful at night. I don't think people get that. We don't get it much down here at all. When it happens down here in the South, it's an event. The kids are outside playing, it's a whole thing. But back where you are now, where I'm from, back then, man, the snow was so peaceful at night. I would stare out the window and think and meditate and dream. It's a beautiful thing. The snow mixed with the nighttime, it's really beautiful. Unless you're a driver, then it's not so great.

Speaker 2: 1:54

Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1: 1:55

It's good to have you in the house. I'm so glad to have this opportunity for live interviews. All of our listeners and viewers can kind of hear more about you. So let's start. Where are you from your upbringing? Kind of talk about that a little bit with us, share it I'm from california, sacramento originally.

Speaker 2: 2:14

Yeah, yeah, um, I used to be into the sacramento kings, uh, when they actually were good. I guess maybe they're good now, I don't know. I've switched teams now that I'm married to someone from the East Coast, where I live in Connecticut. We like the Celtics now.

Speaker 1: 2:32

Oh, you're from the Kings, but I. It's hard to go from a bad team to a good team. Was that hard for you guys to do that Unbelievable over here already?

Speaker 2: 2:44

Well, when I was a quote unquote Kings fan I didn't really follow sports anyways, so my dad worked for somebody who worked with the team, so I got to go to the games, I got to meet some people, so that was. My tie into all of it is that I just had that in me and I liked going with my dad. That was just one of the things I enjoyed doing. I didn't know enough about it. I liked the squeaky shoes sounds on the court, but I just, I really just liked hanging out with my dad and I carried that over and yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:21

So now I don't mind basketball, but yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:24

The team used to be really good. They were in the car, they were in the conversation in the western conference. So now they're kind of like a few games on the 500s or they're probably not in the playoffs, so it's kind of not a thing right now. But no, I love that. Now you chose the front one of the boston celtics.

Speaker 2: 3:38

I have some questions about that it's only me it's only because I'm married to someone who's from the east coast and that was his team already and I like green, as I told you before we started.

Speaker 1: 3:49

I like green, so I was like okay I could go with that it doesn't hurt that they're a good team so no, it does not hurt at all, but you and I are divided on football.

Speaker 2: 4:03

I like the Saints and he likes the Patriots. It's funny because the reason I like the Saints is because him and I used to do fantasy football together and while Drew Brees was on the team they were really good and I kept winning with my stuff. So I was like how do I tell my husband I think I like the Saints and not the Patriots? And he's like you betrayed me. I was like you started it. You had me doing this.

Speaker 1: 4:31

Well, you mentioned fantasy football. To me you already this is like yeah. Wonderful, I don't do it anymore, because I don't really.

Speaker 2: 4:42

My picking skills were just. I went with what I felt.

Speaker 1: 4:47

And that's what you do, and occasionally I win. That's what wins. You pick colors and uniforms. Oh, his name is cool, I'll draft him. I'm like huh, and they win. They win the entire league. So I don't.

Speaker 2: 4:58

Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1: 4:58

funny, I'm looking at stats and standing up at 3 o'clock in the morning looking at stats and it kind of matched in that. I don't know why. I'm a reason to it, but that's an awesome story. So you went from Sacramento, california, to Connecticut. Normally folks don't make a big move like that unless it's like for their jobs or for some other reason within their family. Could you share what prompted that huge move from literally as far well across the country is very late, so in California, connecticut.

Speaker 2: 5:29

Well, it's kind of a a very selfish story basically why I did that. I I was already rebelling against my family, my Christian family. I didn't want to live for them anymore. I was going through a painful divorce that I was glad was finally getting done, because I was feeling controlled by him, by my family. I just was done with everything and just wanted to do whatever. I thought. I had met somebody online through another online friend who lived in Connecticut, and we started talking. We met up a couple times. It wasn't a very good meetup because we didn't do a lot of talking about future things. We did other stuff, but I decided I just wanted to go away from my family, from my daughter's abusive father. I just wanted to get her as far away as possible and he lived in Connecticut. It made sense. I could get her away. I didn't have to deal with my parents telling me what to do, even though I was an adult. I just I, you know, had a break. So that's what pretty much brought me over to Connecticut.

Speaker 2: 6:43

And then two years later that husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. And then I was all of a sudden in Connecticut no family, no real friends, a couple of people that I had met from a church that I just went to once a week before that, but I didn't know them, didn't trust them, didn't. But I didn't know them, didn't trust them, wasn't even following God quite then. But I found myself super alone, no money because I was a stay-at-home mom and yeah. So that's how I got to. Connecticut is a whole bunch of selfish. It's about me and what I want kind of attitude.

Speaker 1: 7:19

That totally makes sense and thanks for all the listeners and viewers jumping in. Good to see you, Sam. Good morning to you. Sir, this is a big uh tennessee titans fan right here, probably the biggest one that I personally know. I know one was uh actually a columnist for the titans or I guess he does some uh online work for him. But this guy right here, he's a huge fan, which I love to hear. That. So far, so a lot.

Speaker 1: 7:43

Now I to just do the thing in your neck of the woods, but from where I'm at, people seem to have an emphasis for you know what? Almost like you have to go back home. Once you leave home, it's kind of almost like a pull. We see it played out in cinema and arts and entertainment where somebody leaves their home. Then all of a sudden, these plot lines you go back to where you came from, because it's like some kind of unspoken rule. You know, I don't think about going back. I used to. I don't think about going back home to New York and living there. What is it about? Sacramento? That's your first thought. When someone says Sacramento Is your first thought. You know what? This is my home. This is where I came up in my childhood. Memories are all here. Do I want to go back to this place, or is it different for you? How would you answer that?

Speaker 2: 8:29

This is such a fun thing for me to mention. I could care less if I ever go back to California. Wow, at one point that was all I wanted. All I wanted. That was all I wanted. All I wanted when I came back to Christ, when I was 30 and I was in Connecticut, feeling like I had done a disservice to my kids because they didn't get to grow up the way I did, where we were in a close-knit family, we had everybody. My cousins didn't live that far away. My cousins and my brother and I were all babysat by my grandma. We were just really close. And my kids don't get to have that. Their grandparents live in Tennessee or they have family in Canada and California and Arizona. They're like all scattered around and they haven't gotten to really see them in years. So that really upset me for a while. I felt really guilty for that. So I wanted to go back. But God really told me stay in Connecticut, I'm going to take care of you. Because of that I listened and I was angry with God because he wouldn't give me what I wanted, which was I want my kids to be with their grandparents in California, because before COVID that's where everyone lived was in California, still their grandparents, my parents, everyone was still in California. I wanted to go back and I wanted my kids to be able to grow up with their grandparents, now that I was back with my relationship with God and I was no longer trying to run from them. But he never gave me that and I was so angry at God because of that.

Speaker 2: 10:09

But then a big event happened and I got to go back and go to my cousin's wedding several years after being married and I went by myself for four days and as soon as I got out of San Francisco and to the borderline of Sacramento, I felt a dark cloud on me. I felt like someone just put a wool wet blanket on top of me and I wanted to. On the freeway, I wanted to U-turn and drive all the way back to San Francisco, get on a plane and go back to Connecticut. I don't know what it was, I just didn't want to be there. I was depressed, I was upset and I tried not to let my family see it, because they were excited to see me and I was there for a happy occasion it was a wedding but I just was not myself. I was not happy anymore. I was not excited to try the foods that I had missed. I tried the foods that I had missed and they did not taste the same. None of it tastes the same. Everything was different and I did not like it and I didn't want to be there anymore.

Speaker 2: 11:11

And then, at some point during my cousin's reception, I'm looking out at my family and I'm seeing that they're going. They're talking to their friends or talking with other family members. They're laughing, they're having fun. I'm sitting there pouting and I'm realizing their lives went on even though I wasn't there. I don't know, I don't know if it was some sort of selfish thing I had where I was like, oh, they're probably miserable, like I am because I'm not there. I have some special whatever.

Speaker 2: 11:39

But it just really affected me and I was crying and in my heart I said, god, I want to go home. I had never called Connecticut home before that and I had been there for a while, but I never called it that and at that moment I just no longer had this connection to California, that it was where I needed to be, or I was missing out on something needed to be, or I was missing out on something. So I went back to Connecticut and from that moment on I had a peace that if I never stepped foot in California again, I will be okay, I will be fine, everything will be fine. So then COVID happened and I was praising God Thank you for not giving me what I wanted, because I did not want to be stuck there. And yeah, it was terrible. What they've done to it has really hurt my heart, cause San Francisco was one of the most beautiful places. It was one of my favorite places to go. Would I ever go there now? I don't think so.

Speaker 1: 12:35

My dad. He spent a lot of his life, the last year of his life, in that, in a town outside of San right, about an hour out of out of San Francisco, about an hour out of Santa Rosa County. Yeah, yeah, it's different now.

Speaker 2: 12:49

Yeah, definitely. So I'm definitely thankful he did not give me what I wanted, because I would not want to be stuck there. I'd be begging to get out. But that's why I say if I never step foot in California, it's not necessarily that I wouldn't want to see certain people that I miss. Most of my family, like I said, has branched out of California. Still have some family there, but, yeah, I'm just, I'm very at peace with, I don't need to be there. I think I get it.

Speaker 1: 13:17

I think I get it. You said a lot of profound stuff. I love how you talked about how people's lives went on and it's not what you thought in your head was going on. It's like that's the reality. People do go on. No matter what they've done or have been done to them, they go on. I want to get into some more of that, but when you shout out, some of our listeners the coaches in the house jumping in here. Thanks, coach, for listening to on the story and watching us Appreciate it. Thank you for subscribing to the channel and watching the show.

Speaker 1: 13:45

Anybody have questions for honor on myself or you want to share your personal stories? Please do so. We're open to hear those, even in the midst of this conversation. We were talking a lot in our pre-interview chat about being a prodigal and I really feel like this is just my perception of that term. If you feel like people kind of feel like the prodigal is somebody who just didn't want to do things the family's way and they want to be rebellious and they kind of want to try to break ties with their family because they just had their own goal that didn't align or some bad things happened within the family and the family didn't deal with it or want to talk about it. I mean, that's what I think people think a prodigal is. I'd love to hear from your standpoint what do you think it means to be a prodigal and how has your view of yourself changed in the aftermath of this, if that makes sense to you.

Speaker 2: 15:20

Yeah Well, I grew up in the church so I knew everything that you needed to know. I knew all the bedtime Bible stories. I knew them by heart. I had certain verses memorized because I went to a Christian high school, so you had to have certain things memorized. Do I still have them memorized?

Speaker 2: 15:39

I wouldn't say so because I was only doing it just to get my grades, but it was a very legalistic style relationship that I had with God, always wondering am I going to heaven? Because I didn't think I was doing enough or I didn't do it right. So it was really when I decided that I wanted to rebel, I was in my early 20s. I mean, that's not usually when you rebel, you do it in your teen years, but I did it late because I was always trying to do the good things that everyone wanted me to do that I put myself on the back burner, so to speak, and I was tired of it after my first marriage had had ended. That was an abusive marriage. I didn't even want to be in it. The only thing that was good that came out of it was my daughter. I didn't even want to be in it. The only thing that was good that came out of. It was my daughter and I was just done with everything.

Speaker 2: 16:30

At that point I was done with God, I was done with my family, I was done with all of it. I just I finally wanted to see who am I, what do I want, and it was very selfish, did what I wanted, and I think that's the heart of a prodigal child. They don't necessarily have to be a Christian who turns away from the faith. They just have to be somebody who's done with something, enough where they just want to go complete 180 from that. They're just done. Maybe their whole family is full of doctors and this one's like you know what? I don't want to be a doctor. Sorry, I'm out, I'm going to go be a comedian. It's like that would be the worst thing for them. That would be their prodigal child, their black sheep or whatever.

Speaker 1: 17:16

And that's what.

Speaker 2: 17:17

I think I think that's the heart of it all is that you're just done with something and you just completely do something different, and you either come back at some point or you don't, you know?

Speaker 1: 17:31

Yeah, that's what I think that's a great example. Look, that's an interview about the doctor. That's very, very good.

Speaker 2: 17:37

I've heard comedians use it before, so that's kind of how.

Speaker 1: 17:42

I got. It's apropos for sure you and I have some shared experience when it comes to blended families. I love to hear your look you to share your biggest challenge in growing one, because the ones that I see played out sometimes in in lives of friends and and people close to us. It's almost like it's two families in the same house as opposed to a blended family. But the way you described it to me in our pre-interview chat, it seems like it's really blended in a way where you guys actually immersed in each other's lives and stuff, but share the biggest challenge that you saw in trying to grow a blended family. You know challenges with discipline and boundaries also that we have to deal with. You know situation, because there's different voices speaking into our household from the outside. So I know it's a lot of.

Speaker 2: 18:37

It's a long question, but it was a lot more difficult when my daughter's father was involved that my eldest is on the brink of becoming 18, so I haven't yeah, I know I haven't had to deal with him in many years because she hasn't lived with me, so that's been a blessing. But he was uh, he was awful, that's, that's the nicest way I can put it.

Speaker 2: 19:05

He was not he's not nice to her, but the way he talked to me was very disrespectful. Whenever he would call, I have different ringtones for certain people that I talk to often so that I know when they're calling or when they're texting. And he was one of them and whenever his ringtone would come on or his text would come on, my heart would skip a beat, I'd freak out, I feel sick to my stomach, like I had to go to the bathroom and he didn't even have to say anything at that point. It was just his ringtone, but I knew it was him and it gave me anxieties and everything. And there's so much that mentally he did to me while we were married for the three years we were married and the torture he still puts on our daughter is irritating to say the least. But when he was involved it was really hard. He financially didn't take care of us, which was one problem, but he just would undermine or he'd talk different about me than her and he didn't care about what was best for her. He wanted what he was supposed to have. If she had something she wanted to do during the summer, she couldn't do it because it was his time with her and she had to suck it up and just go anyway. If he wanted to take her somewhere on like a cruise or whatever during the school year, okay, but she's not doing very good with her grades, oh well, who cares, she's going anyway. It's. I made the you know like he made the decisions. That's how it was with him. So once he got out of the picture it was a lot easier to handle, although now we have to build up um, my daughter because of everything there, which is a whole different animal. But her stepdad has been a really good stepdad. Her first one not so much. My second husband was not very good to her, but he was also young and I was forcing him to be the father I wanted her to have, which was not fair to him. And I look back on that now and I realized it wasn't fair, but at the time I just thought he wasn't working with me, realized it wasn't fair, but at the time I just thought he wasn't working with me. So when we got divorced he was very not present for her at all. But he's been a really good father to his son, but not until he was nine years old.

Speaker 2: 21:17

Before that I was doing everything on my own, doing my own thing and it was really hard once he started getting more involved, wanting to go to events with me, wanting to have more chats with me, to talk about how to discipline. You know, going to doctor's visits, all these things allowing, having me allow him to take him on things was really difficult. To let go of the reins and say you know what? I can't take him to a doctor appointment today, you're going to have to do it. Allowing him to be the one who, you know, picks him up from school because he's closer to the school, these are all things that I had to learn how to let go of because I was the one doing everything. And then all of a sudden he's there and on top of that he's got a really my son's got a really good stepdad, the father of my other three children, and he treats him just like his own child and he wants to discipline him the way that we discipline for our family.

Speaker 2: 22:12

But sometimes it bucks against my my son's father. So then I'm the monkey in the middle, trying to figure out how I can make peace with everybody. So they don't the both the men that I have to deal with don't feel like I'm discounting either of them, which is a stressful thing. But I put myself in that position with the choices that I made. So I asked God to help me all the time and rely on him. My son's father and I get along fairly well. I mean, we're not like one of those Hallmark movie styles where you know we're happy.

Speaker 1: 22:44

Is anybody?

Speaker 2: 22:45

No, it's like outside of movies. It's not quite like that. We don't go at each other's throats or yell and you know we're not disrespectful to each other. We work really well to where my son knows that what's going on at his dad's house for a punishment is most likely going on with mom and we'll talk. Before he decides anything, before I decide anything, we try to talk it out and say, hey, is this what we should do? And I'll say you know, I need to talk to my husband and we need to figure this out. And my, my son's father and my husband also fairly get along. I mean, they talk more than he talks to me. So you know it is blended and it has been blended for a while.

Speaker 2: 23:25

I've made sure that my kids don't see each other as half siblings or half anything. You know they're, they're siblings. You know they have different fathers. My, my three younger kids know that my son has his father outside of the house and he's got dad which is what he calls him here, so that it's not confusing for everybody. And you know this just comes with the territory. When you make decisions like that, you have to be able to work with that, with that, and it's not easy, but I have God to rely on and I trust that he's going to help me and I'm growing as a person just by dealing with this. So I mean, you reap what you sow and I sowed bad seeds and you know I got to make the best of it.

Speaker 1: 24:15

I love that. Thank you for sharing that. This is kind of transparency that I love about these kind of interviews. I don't always hear it quite the way I'm hearing this now and it just is you're very rare in a lot of ways. I just put it like that. I love about you know owning the mistakes that you've made and recognizing you know what, even though you might apologize or you repent, and you know what, even though you might apologize or even repent, there's some consequences that you have to walk through and some areas of growth that you have to deal with, because you kind of sow seeds in this garden and what comes up you have to deal with it. We can't avoid it. So I love that. That's very, very refreshing. I definitely say that. Talk to me Now.

Speaker 1: 24:57

I know I want to get into some of your stuff with the podcast. I'm going to ask you a few more questions about marriage and stuff first. But you're talking about kind of rebuilding your daughter. Without getting into many personal specifics. I kind of just want to just understand how do you go about rebuilding somebody's from a self-esteem standpoint? It feels like you're doing some of that with your podcast as well.

Speaker 1: 25:17

So I'm trying to figure out? How do you, how do you juxtapose the two things? You got one person in your life that you know, that you love so much, that you know is broken in some areas, and you want to help them to rebuild that person's not their psyche, but I guess just kind of just rebuild their self-esteem, I guess and then at the same time, you got a podcast where you're having the kind of honest Christian conversations where you're rebuilding people who come to the interview, maybe have broken with some stuff in their life and you're trying to help encourage them and using your personal stories to do so. How do you manage both of those situations, especially daughter? How do you? How are you rebuilding her self-esteem and everything?

Speaker 2: 26:03

well, to start it, I have to say that I'm unfortunately not the one who she wants to do the healing.

Speaker 2: 26:14

Okay, that makes sense it does her father has done a significant number of making her feel like she's nothing and that she doesn't matter to him. Maybe things are slightly different now, but from what she says it doesn't sound like it. But I have since coming back to Christ. When she was about five years old, I have still made mistakes as a mom. I've had moments where I was angry and frustrated with her. We're pretty sure she has high functioning autism, but she hasn't been able to get any diagnosis for it, so it's been hard to deal with.

Speaker 2: 26:50

She's got some other mental health issues that you know make it difficult to work through. She's got a little bit of narcissistic tendencies, just like her dad. So there's just so much. She's turned out so much like her dad, even though she didn't want to. So it makes it really hard.

Speaker 2: 27:07

But I have been consistent in my love for her, even though she's right now going through a season where she doesn't believe in God. She doesn't want to follow him. She's doing everything that pretty much I did when I was in my 20s, but she's 18 almost and you know she's also gotten a little bit into the transgender stuff as well. So she's just gone down a very terrible rabbit hole and she knows how I feel about it. She knows that I don't like if she takes God's name in vain. She respects that. So she'll sometimes say I'm sorry if it just came out or something. So she's respectful of my boundaries for the most part. But she knows that I will love her no matter what. And she sometimes will accuse me and say, oh well, you love who you want me to be. And I said no, I don't. I said I love you because I love you. You are my child and I will always love you, no matter what happens, no matter what you do to yourself, to anything, you know that I love you and I will always be here for you. But that's not what she wants to hear and it's not what. It's what she wants to hear, but not from me. She wants to hear that from her dad, which is really heartbreaking, because she's getting to this point where she realizes she's not going to hear that and no matter how much she knows that her stepdad loves her, that's also not enough. That's not what she's wanting. So we have just been consistent. Her stepfather and I have been very consistent in loving her, being there for her. We talk to her when we can. When she wants to talk, we'll talk. And you know, do we always believe everything she's saying because of some of the other issues she has and just wanting to be the center of attention? We don't always, but we don't minimize things and we also don't maximize things and we don't condone things either.

Speaker 2: 28:56

She knows where I stand in regards to this whole transgender stuff. I don't call her by the name she wants me to call her by. I don't do all that, and I said I don't bow and need anyone except for God. If you don't like that you don't have to talk to me, I said. But you are always. You're always on my mind, you're always in my prayers and if you need me you know where to find me. But I have made sure she knows that you do what you've got to do. But I'm not going to go along with you for that ride. And you know we have a fairly decent relationship. She loves me, I love her. She's just got to do her thing right now and if she's anything like me, hopefully she'll come back to Christ and it won't take too long. But who knows?

Speaker 1: 29:44

Everybody got to make some decisions, you know, about their own lives. At the end of the day, that's the one constant. We have to make some decisions. We have free will. For that reason, I want to get into some more things that we discussed in our chat. But would you be able to offer any advice to people who are watching and listening that have gone through multiple marriages, divorce and then have to deal with the aftermath of it? If you can give one piece of advice to those that are listening that have experienced something similar or exactly the same as you, what do you think is the most necessities that you share with them today?

Speaker 2: 30:21

You got to stay close to God. That is key. If I did not stay close to God, if I did not call out to Him when I'm feeling angst about something I don't know that I would have been able to handle the situations I'm in as well as I have. And, yeah, he helps me with everything. I know that I made my mistakes, but he was gracious and kind enough to give me a wonderful husband and three more children, and no, I just have to roll with what I've done, and having God's hand there to hold through this really does help.

Speaker 1: 31:05

I love this. I got so many more questions and time is running short. I want to try to see if we can perhaps squeeze all these incredible questions that I have for you.

Speaker 2: 31:18

We can rapid fire if you want.

Speaker 1: 31:21

You may have to at this point because I have a lot more questions to ask, but I'll get into the podcast momentarily. The name of the podcast is Honest Christian Conversations. I've definitely heard some episodes and they're fantastic, fantastic episodes. You're a fantastic podcast host, for sure, and they are actually honest conversations and I love that part about it. We had an honest conversation in our pre-interview chat about porn addiction and we kind of talked about one thing you emphasized with that. You know, women can be addicted to porn too, and I thought that was so profound. Because when you hear porn addiction, I know where people's mind goes. I know where my mind goes. It goes to one specific gender, the male. It doesn't go. I don't think about the woman being quote unquote addicted. But you have a story about that, about women being addicted to porn. I'd love for you to share it in whatever way in iteration. You want to share it and feel free to speak as freely as you as you'd like to, but share on that please. That's. That's incredible. It's an incredible story.

Speaker 2: 32:23

Yeah, women, we have this problem, and because everyone thinks of it as a man's problem, because forever they've been talking about it Like it's just a man's problem Women are afraid to talk about the fact that they have this too. They feel an extra layer of shame because this is a man's problem. Why do I have this problem? And I was really good at hiding it. Nobody knew that I had this problem. I nobody knew until I finally came clean to my husband while I was pregnant with our third child and told him that I had an addiction to pornography. At that point I came clean. I gave him passwords, I gave him passcodes to get my phone. He had full range to check up on me whenever he wanted. I told my family, I told friends, I told everybody, friends, I told everybody and I got involved with triple X, churchcom, which is a place where men and women, or people who are married, who are struggling with it, can find resources to help you with that.

Speaker 1: 33:30

Triple X churchcom.

Speaker 2: 33:33

Yeah, triple X churchcom yeah.

Speaker 2: 33:34

And at the time that I was at him and he cried, got up from his nap later I asked him why did you get out from your nap early? He said God told me to find you. That wrecked me and that's what set me off to realize I needed to tell somebody I have an addiction. So that's what I did. But before that it was a business transaction. I was there for what I needed it for. I don't care about who these people are. Yes, they may be sex trafficked or whatever. I don't really care what they're there for. They're there for me and what I need. I need to get rid of my negative emotions. So let's get this done. That's what pornography was is a transaction for me, and I hated myself because of it, because I knew it was wrong.

Speaker 2: 34:43

I knew these were real people and after I heard a pastor say that that could be someone's daughter, that just wrecked me even more. But I still couldn't stop. It was because after 17 plus years I'd been training my brain that when you're feeling a negative emotion, this is how you get rid of it until the next one, and it's unhealthy. So when I decided I was done, I had to go cold turkey. That was the only way I was going to do it, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to otherwise. So I didn't watch anything higher than a PG rating for a year and a half. I didn't listen to anything but Christian music. I didn't use my computer. After a certain hour of the day I didn't use it if I was alone. I just I put a lot of parameters and boundaries on myself on my computer usage and everything. And then I got to go on one of the mission trips that XXX Church did, where they went to pornography conventions and they handed out Bibles and T-shirts that says Jesus loves porn stars. I was so excited to go to the one in New Jersey this was a thing I really wanted to do. So. That night, the first night, I was really pumped and ready to go, but I was also really nervous because in a year and a half I had not seen anything higher than PG. I did not know what was going to happen.

Speaker 2: 36:05

Once I go in there and see all this stuff in my face, how was I going to react? I did not react the way I thought I would. As soon as I got in there, I started crying. Once I saw everything, I started crying. I felt my heart breaking. Once I saw everything, I started crying. I felt my heart breaking. I saw the need, the depression, the sadness, all the negative emotions that were in there. I saw the reason why we were there and I felt this overwhelming urge to just jump on a table and start preaching the gospel. I didn't because I'm kind of shy, but I really felt like I had to. Yeah, I really felt like I had to. That's just it was almost impulsive, Like if I had just released myself to do it I probably would have. That's just how much of an impulse it was. And there weren't literal chains that broke, but chains did break inside me and I did not see that stuff the same way I had before. I mean, we were next to a booth with some questionable stuff next to it, but I didn't care because I was there to preach the gospel. I did not see any of that stuff. I got to talk to a woman who was topless. While I was talking to her, she was praying with me. She cried and I was pumped for the rest of the weekend.

Speaker 2: 37:16

It was a three-day event and I was really excited. I was like this is day one. Are you kidding me? I am so there. But Satan was mad because he had lost me and he messed with me hard during that whole night. I couldn't sleep. There was a situation with my husband and I and I had to leave the next morning and go home and fix everything because it was just too much mentally for me. And that's what I would say to anyone who's going into a really difficult mission trip type of thing you have to be prayed better. I was not. I definitely was not prayed up the way I should have. I had people praying for me and everything, but I was not expecting that kind of spiritual warfare. I had never been on a mission trip before but, through all that, I was set free from pornography.

Speaker 2: 38:03

I don't have the same drive to it anymore. I don't have any issues with it. Does something pop in my brain every once while at some random time which has nothing to do with anything I'm doing? Yeah, you know, I mean just like if you were a former alcoholic or a drug addict. You know you see something on TV it might trigger something in your past of oh remember, you used to do that. But I have the power to say no, I'm not, that's not me anymore. Sorry, I. What in the world is this even here for Goodbye? You know I didn't have that before, but yeah, so I love telling people. I was set free from my pornography addiction at a porn convention. It's like oh my.

Speaker 2: 38:43

God.

Speaker 1: 38:43

That's astounding. I don't even think I've even shared. In my first three seasons of our show I think I shared so much to my whole. Everybody that knew me was like am I next? Am I going to be the one he's going to talk about next? Because I shared everything. But that's one area that I dealt with myself and I never talked about it, at least not in a podcast where I'm anyway. So that was.

Speaker 1: 39:09

This is inspiring to me because I kind of I handled the same. I didn't go to a porn convention. In my mind there's no way I can do that and and get and get healed, but I did go the cold turkey route. Uh, I believe the lord did, uh did the work in that regard. I don't think it was me at all. I'm not taking any credit for, but I can relate to this. So this is, this is pretty awesome. I love this. Um, you know so in your, in your mind. Do you feel and this is just something for, uh, our listeners and viewers to kind of uh think about do you feel like last question on this? Also, do you think that, uh, triplexchurchcom was helpful or is a good resource to help people who deal with porn addiction? Do you feel as though this is a place that you have and would recommend for people?

Speaker 2: 39:56

Yeah, they've gone through some changes on how they do things and everything, so I haven't been following it recently. But yeah, I mean, it's definitely a really good resource. It's probably one of the only ones out there that just puts it out there. Hey, this is what we're here for, although I will give a shout out to someone who was on my podcast. His name is Logan Hufford. He was in season three of my podcast and he was talking about his sexual addiction and he's in based in Alaska. So, unless you're in Alaska, he does have a ministry that he works with, but you can always find him on. You know I can send you the link to my podcast with that episode and people can hear his message, and you know you can go to his website. You can find him on Instagram. He does stuff on Instagram. He he knows more about, you know, the male side. If they need help somewhere, he would probably have resources for that. But yeah, triple X Church is definitely it's for men, it's for women, it's for couples.

Speaker 1: 41:01

So, if you don't mind, please share the link to both Logan Huffer and Tribal Age Church on the YouTube channel in the comment section under the episode. Yeah, absolutely. If you want to go back and hear it or hear the replay, they can find the information very easily. Please don't forget to do that. That'd be awesome. Let's talk about Honest Christian Conversation. What was the impetus for this podcast? Why did you start this?

Speaker 2: 41:26

this podcast? Why did you start this? Well, I started it because, like I mentioned, I was in a legalistic style relationship with God and just really felt like I wasn't allowed to have doubts. I wasn't allowed to question and it's not necessarily that anyone told me you couldn't other than maybe church sermons I heard where it's like, if you have doubt, people are like, oh no, they're going to leave the faith You's just over-exaggeration of maybe. You're just wanting to ask a question why is sex and marriage good but you can't talk about it in church? If this is something God created, why can't we talk about it? Why shouldn't we do it when we're not married? It's like, yes, it says that in the Bible, but why, you know? Like just questions that somebody might have of why can't I do this? Why should I do this? Why am I doing this? You know I never questioned.

Speaker 2: 42:14

Why am I following everything my parents are saying? Why do I believe what I believe? Reasons why I strayed away is because I got tired of being told everything and not experiencing anything for myself and understanding the depth of why I believe what I believe. So when I came back to Christ at 30, I started realizing I can't ride on my parents' coattails to heaven. I never felt saved doing that anyways. So when I actually felt saved and realized that trusting in God and knowing what I believe and why I believe it was important to me, that's when I started going through different changes in what I thought and how I reacted. Do I agree with some things that my parents believe in, do I not?

Speaker 2: 43:04

And I just started going through all this stuff, getting all this knowledge, listening to podcasts and videos and everything, and books and during 2020, I had a lot of extra time on my hands, like everyone else, so I did a lot of you know YouTubing and went down some rabbit trails, found out that some of the Christian music artists I listened to were no longer following Christ and it was just messing with me.

Speaker 2: 43:28

It was like messing with my head, my heart. I realized that some of the worship songs we listened to are from genres of Christianity which aren't correct and they don't have correct biblical theology, and it just messed with me so much. And as I'm learning all this, I'm like I need somebody, needs to tell somebody something, and I just really felt like I should do a podcast where I do that, because I'm tired of skirting around issues and I don't want people to be let down a same path as me, where they have to find out in their later years that what they thought was wrong or God forbid something happens and they don't make it to their later years and they were wrong into their eternity. So I didn't want any of that for anybody, so that's why I started the podcast.

Speaker 1: 44:14

I love it. How long has the podcast been going now?

Speaker 2: 44:16

It's been a year and a half, maybe, or not that long, maybe a year and three months. I'm terrible with timing, but it's been at least a year.

Speaker 1: 44:25

So I'm following the podcast. I personally love it. I know that people who are watching, if you like, honest conversations on podcasts, which is like I hope that's a norm. We try to do that with this show and some of our other podcasts work, but I mean, I hope I know you're doing that with honest Christian conversations for sure. It's definitely authentic. So I hope everybody follows and listens to this. This is really good.

Speaker 1: 44:50

I got so many more questions and I don't think we're rapid firing enough. I have so many more. I may have to cut some good ones out, but oh, my goodness, where can I start? Oh, there's so much, so much here. We can always do another one. No, we may very well have to. I think the questions are even expand now that we know so much more now. But one thing I wanted to ask you about, because I know I have podcasters in content created listen to our show, uh, and people who are authors want to be authors and stuff. Talk to me about that part about the office, because I know you went to a silk pub route and you were excited, excited. You survived it, because that's like yeah, it was not it's a monster.

Speaker 1: 45:34

But but talk this kind of compounds together. Why did you feel compelled to write a book or write books and do a podcast? In a world where there's so much of that going on, everybody that has a story feels as though they should be either an author or a podcaster and turn on mics and record and tell people about their lives. I don't have that inclination. I've done both. I've authored a book, I've done podcasts multiple but I don't feel like it'm it's, I don't feel like it's my right. Yet I mean, I don't feel like my story is so important that I have to tell it.

Speaker 1: 46:14

You know, or why did you decide to open up, you know, your world to podcasting and authoring books? What was the single, solitary reason why you felt like you know what it wasn't? You had to do it? I'm speaking to the introvert in you because I, the introvert, is asking the same question. So so I'm like introvert to introvert. Why do you feel like you had to do these things that put your kind of world on front street and open up everybody to your life? Why did you decide to do that with authoring a book and podcasting?

Speaker 2: 46:44

well, I've always loved writing. That was where my go-to thing that I always did, and I never really thought about becoming a published author. Uh, I just I finished one of my books and I don't even remember how it got found out by a publishing company. But they're like, oh, you know, we want to publish your book. And I'm like, okay, it wasn't the greatest company and no, I won't name drop.

Speaker 1: 47:12

But you know, it was.

Speaker 2: 47:14

It was an exciting experience once it happened. So I kind of got that. You know, ooh, I'd love to be a published author. It just sounds cool and exciting but, like you said, it's oversaturated in this market, in the podcasting market, all of it is.

Speaker 2: 47:29

But because I'm such an introvert and so quiet and shy, there was no way that I was going to be able to share all these truths with a whole bunch of people if I didn't start a podcast. I could tell my friends all the stuff I was learning about. But what about all the people in the world who may not know that? You know the type of songs are listening to. Just because they're called Christians doesn't mean they're made by Christian artists or doesn't mean they believe what they're saying. Or have you looked at the lyrics? Those might not be biblical, you know. It's like there's people all over the world who need to know this stuff and I was like I have to tell somebody, but I can't go telling everybody. What am I going to do? That's easy. That makes it easy for me, where, if I get rejected, it's not that big of a deal. So it was like a podcast is perfect for that. So that's why I was drawn to podcasting, especially the video part was something I had to work on because I was like audio.

Speaker 2: 48:31

I'm totally an audio first kind of person, but you know, I record the videos with it. I'm like, okay, I might as well just publish it, but it's just like I'm my own worst enemy with that. But anyway, but with the writing, yeah, with the writing it's really scary because you know people are going to criticize, they're going to say, oh well, this isn't good and you have to learn to accept that. And I've realized that I want to write for God. I want to share what he puts in me. I want to share with people and whether they like it or not, that's for them to decide. But the right people will with people and whether they like it or not, that's that's for them to decide. But the right people will hear it and they'll receive it in the way that God was expecting them to receive it. So that's why I continue to write, other than the fact that I just love doing it. It's one of my favorite pastimes.

Speaker 1: 49:20

But yeah, this is, this is. This is a wild world for the self-professed introvert. For some reason, I've chosen at all the social media platforms beside our YouTube channel. I've chosen Twitter as a place where I want to share about things relating to the gospel and sharing inspiration through our show Inspiration Station, and just encouraging folks to be the best that they can be and locate purpose, and I'm like Twitter is not, in people's mind, the best place for this. So I'm like why am I? I'm doing this and most of my network is sports and I'm not doing much sports anymore.

Speaker 1: 49:59

So now I'm like trying to transition to using this vast network of five digit thousand people and talking to them about things like this. I'm like this is to do this. You can't. You can't think about your numbers and your likes and analysis and analytics. You can't do it. You got to just do it. You got to just do what you're supposed to be doing. All the other stuff got to take care of itself, because if get obsessed with numbers and and analytics and and if people like this, you'll be in your head, you'll be in a super dark place. So this is encouraging. Hopefully, we can encourage each other on this, on this journey because I think we need to we need yeah, yeah I want to try to finish up with just a couple more questions, if I can.

Speaker 1: 50:44

Yeah, excuse me, sorry, but but you know one of the things that I've seen is played out in art. You know we hear the old term that art imitates life. We hear this a lot and you know about those movies where the person is in their old hometown, like we talked about a little earlier in the show and there's so many secrets there and people trying to figure out out like why is this happening to me? Why is my life going the way it's going? And then they start uncovering the secrets that have been held in there for how many years now, decades and people want to finally talk about it. But I think that's one way that people it's kind of a mechanism to how to deal with hard stuff.

Speaker 1: 51:21

You talked about in a pre-interview chat about how much information you share with your husband about your past and how you invite your children into the healing process, if you will, the growth process, if you will. You're not keeping things from them, because we can see from those kind of examples I was talking about how bad it can be for them later on, like how did I get here? Why did this happen? I didn't know, and mom and mom that, why did you tell me all this time? So it could prevent me from going through x, y and z. So talk to me a little bit, as brief as you can, about how you share information with your husband, your children, about your past, how you help them understand why family's not around as much and why you don't do things like why you don't go to the uh, the family cookouts in the family.

Speaker 1: 52:07

That kind of shit. We'll brief, if you can, how you decided to deal with that situation.

Speaker 2: 52:13

Well, it's because most of my life had felt like a lie, like I was either a hypocrite or I wasn't true to myself. I wasn't true and honest to others. I just always felt devious. And there were times in my first marriage where I was devious and I was doing things that were wrong and I just got tired of it. Once I became a believer in Christ, and especially after I came clean about my addiction to pornography, I just realized I can't live a not honest life anymore. I didn't like the way I felt when I was skirting around things or hiding things.

Speaker 2: 52:57

You just feel icky, you feel nauseous. I get nauseous easily and I get stomach aches easily when I feel guilt or shame of any sort of anything. So that's where my conscience lives, that's where the Holy Spirit works on me is if I'm feeling like that, then I know something's off and I just I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I can't eat. I physically can't eat because I feel so much negativity about something and I got tired of it. I didn't want to live like that anymore. I realized that if I wanted to stop being angry so much, I needed to not hide things. I needed not to bottle things up and pretend like they don't bother me and be so passive, aggressive. I need to just come out and talk to somebody, not necessarily blow up, but just say hey, kids, I need a break. You all are irritating mom right now.

Speaker 2: 53:49

I'm going to go do something before I say something I regret, or if I did say something already and blew up on them, I go back and I apologize. So I'm trying to be more humble as well and not be so full of pride. I mean, when people say things about the podcast or when they leave reviews, I smile and then I say thank you God, because I know he's the reason I am, what's going on or that people are giving positivity. I don't want to. I don't want to put that on me too much and be like, oh, it's me.

Speaker 2: 54:19

You know, the only time I really say my podcast is if it, if it makes sense in the sense that I have to. Otherwise I say, God, it's your podcast. Because if I say, oh, your podcast, people are going to be like wait, whose podcast is she talking about? Your podcast? You know one of those that mean the Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing at each other. You know so it's like, but it is, it's his podcast and as long as he wants it to go, it's going to go, same with my writing and everything, everything I do I'm trying to do for him. So I'm working on being more honest and I like that, I like that.

Speaker 1: 54:54

Okay, I'll be running out of time, all right, I'll just ask one more final question. The show for now, all right. Question of all of our and I do that because I want them to really think about the answer If Ana was not doing the ACC podcast and she wasn't authoring fiction books, what is Ana doing with her life right now?

Speaker 2: 55:20

The other thing that I'm doing, which is learning the Russian language. Really, yeah, ever since high school, I've had a heart for it. It's the only language I've ever wanted to learn. One day, I would love to go visit. I've made some friends through online correspondence that I talk to. I have a tutor that I talk to and, yeah, that's where I put my energies when I'm not momming, podcasting, writing or being white?

Speaker 1: 55:49

Is there like a career in that? Do you like? Would you be teaching people how to speak language? How does that work?

Speaker 2: 55:56

I haven't thought of a career, but I did at one point start a podcast where I was talking in Russian, as obviously.

Speaker 1: 56:04

Get out of here.

Speaker 2: 56:05

Yeah, there's only a few episodes because I didn't do so well, but I had memorized what I was going to say and spoke it in English or in Russian, but I was, you know, english speaker. So I would like to either pick that back up once I know more of what I'm talking about or turn it into something else, Cause my overall goal is I want to share the gospel with people in Russia, cause I know they believe, but I do believe that they. I don't want to I don't want to say they have it wrong, out of respect for my Russian friends and everything, but you know, there's certain parts of what they believe where it's more Catholicism and more of the legalistic style, and I want to. I want to have those communications with them where you know the language isn't a problem. The difference between you know our language isn't a problem, because if I were to talk to them like I talked to you right now about you know why we need to be saved in sins and all this stuff, the language barrier is going to be a problem.

Speaker 1: 57:06

So Sure, that makes sense. That's amazing. I love this. Just a new ring. I didn't expect that. I like that. You've been a delight. Thank you for jumping on and having this conversation with us. I'd love for you to jump onto our YouTube channel if you don't mind doing that. Where the episode is, drop those links. I don't want you to forget that. It's really important.

Speaker 2: 57:25

No, I'll spam you a whole bunch of different links for things. Yeah, I love spam.

Speaker 1: 57:35

No, you can reach up in and do that whenever you get a chance to do that and, for all our viewers and listeners, all of Honor's information, how you can reach out regarding XXXChurchcom and Honor's work with the Honor's Christian Conversations podcast, it's going to all be there on the YouTube channel under the comments section. We follow each other on social media now, so you know if you find me, you can probably find her as well. So we're excited about seeing your profile grow and you getting a chance to have more honest conversations like this one. So I'm excited about this and if you have any closing thoughts to our listenership, here's your chance to do so before we sign off.

Speaker 2: 58:10

Well, thank you first of all for having me on. It's been a pleasure and you're fun to talk to. You got some great questions, but, yeah, everyone who's listening especially if there's any women who are listening and you are dealing with an addiction you can reach out to me. Just go to honestchristianconversationscom and go to the contact page and just send me an email and I'm happy to talk to you about this. I know it's not easy. It's very awkward and weird for women to talk about quote unquote a man's problem, but it's quickly becoming a woman's problem and if we don't stop it anytime soon, before we know it it's going to flip in a complete different way and it's no longer going to be a man's problem, it's going to be a woman's problem. So let's kick that in the butt before it becomes one.

Speaker 1: 58:58

Thank you. Please support Ana and her mission. Honest Christian Conversations podcast. You can find it all over social. I believe definitely on our YouTube as well and on the listening platforms as well. This has been an honor. Thank you, thank you have a great day, guys. Thanks for watching.