Mista Yu is on the Dad Hat Shenanigans - "The Power of a United Front"

What happens when your children turn your household into a battleground? For Yusef Marshall, known as "The Incredible Mr. Yu," the solution came through a radical shift in perspective that transformed his family dynamics forever.

Join us for a candid, eye-opening conversation with a father of three grown daughters who made it through nearly 30 years of marriage by discovering the power of the united front. Mr. Yu shares the turning point when he and his wife realized they were "winging it" through parenthood and how their decision to prioritize their marriage above everything else changed everything.

"They can be a prince or princess, but they can't be the king or queen," Mr. Yu explains, challenging the common notion that children should be the center of family life. With remarkable honesty, he reveals how this commitment helped them weather manipulation attempts, intense resistance, and even moments when they wondered if their marriage would survive.

This episode offers practical wisdom about creating a family strategy instead of just reacting to daily challenges. You'll hear how establishing clear boundaries prevented their children from playing parents against each other and how maintaining unity provided stability through tumultuous times. For fathers who feel caught in the day-to-day struggles of parenting, Mr. Yu's perspective offers both encouragement and a roadmap.

Beyond parenting strategies, the conversation touches on the importance of community for fathers, the reality that loving your children doesn't always mean liking them in every moment, and how modeling a strong partnership sets children up for future relationship success.

Whether you're just starting your parenting journey or navigating the complexities of older children, this episode provides honest, sometimes uncomfortable truths about what it takes to build a family foundation that lasts. Connect with The Incredible Mr. Yu on his YouTube channel or through his website to continue the conversation and discover resources for strengthening your most important relationships.

• A united front between parents is crucial to effective parenting
• Prioritizing your marriage over your children creates a stronger family structure
• Children will naturally try to divide parents to get what they want
• Having a family strategy prevents "winging it" through challenging situations
• A healthy marriage provides modeling for children's future relationships
• Working through difficult parenting

Buzzsprout - Launch Your Podcast Now!
I trust this host. You will too! Start for FREE

We love hearing from all of you about how you're enjoying our content! A really cool way you can do that is Fan Mail. Check out the promo and starting sending messages right away! It's easy and it's fun too! Trust me! Thank you for reaching out and allowing us the privilege of hearing from our faithful listeners and viewers! I can't wait to get your next message!

Buzzsprout - Launch Your Podcast Now!
I trust this host. You will too! Start for FREE

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:19

Now, mr Yu, all dads have that story right. Just like you think about it, you start smiling and it sometimes only makes sense to you. But all dads have that story. So what is your funny dad story?

Speaker 2: 0:37

I think funny is relative, but this is one of those things that my wife and I we talked about it once in a while. We kind of just chuckled at it now In the moment. It wasn't a funny story, excuse me, but we had a parent teachers conference and we were in a district, an area of the state I'm not going to point out where that is, to not purposely offend anybody but we were in a particular district that was kind of known for not caring about people of certain races and creeds, it's pretty like that. And I was at a parentage conference for one of my daughters and the teacher, the administrator, she would not acknowledge me. She, my wife, is, looks the same as me, but she wouldn't acknowledge me at all. We're just like, I guess, a woman-to-woman thing and the man was not important. So, and on top of that, there was a little bit of a history of fathers not showing up for their kids in this regard. So it was out of the norm. So I'm from New York City, man, I'm a street shooter, I talk with a deer in the eye and we get down to business and put in that work.

Speaker 2: 1:42

So for me I was there to take care of the issues that was going on with my child and I didn't care about all of the history, I didn't care about all of the peripheral stuff and she would acknowledge me and she just kept on. She just kept kind of ignoring me and I did something that was kind of a little bit out of character because I didn't want to make a bad scene, but I put it in that place real good and I told her. I said you know, this is this is my child. You know. She tried to make it about me being a step parent and how. I didn't have a real say. I said this is my daughter. You ain't gonna tell me how to run my daughter's life and my daughter, this is, this is our thing, this is our thing. You just teach her. That's your assignment. I raised her, I live with her Turned into a big thing. I don't think we got anything settled.

Speaker 2: 2:33

I found out what I needed to find out about my daughter and her education and everything. I thought it was funny because I didn't expect that from myself, even though I got a history of dealing with hard stuff and hard ways, being from New York. But it was funny, man, to come down here to the South and had to deal with something like that and see how I handled it. A lot of folks try to assimilate to the culture and do what the Romans do, so to speak. I'm like no, I'm going to do what me. This is my family. I got to fight for this. My family is worth fighting for and I'll fight all of y'all to defend my kids.

Speaker 2: 3:07

So it wasn't funny in the moment because I put kind of created a repetition for us as parents and we showed up. Everybody was like you know what? Here they come, what's getting ready to happen now. But my goal wasn't to have that kind of rep. It was just to make sure that I established some boundaries with these people who didn't know me and didn't really know my daughter the way I do, and let them know that we're real parents and we're here for the long haul and if you mess with them, you mess with me. I'm going to come and see you. So I thought it was funny. We laugh about it from time to time and it's a funny story that we tell every once in a while, but I thought it was funny.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Now I I actually find it highly amusing because I, a lot of people haven't moved around Like they. They live in like one area of their whole lives and they don't understand the culture shock when you go from one area of this country to another. And the culture shock when you go from one area of this country to another and, like people, do people treat you incredibly differently based on their experiences. Uh, just, you know, without adding anything else to it, without adding race or anything else to it, like people are going to treat you a certain way based on their experiences. Oh, yeah, funny, yeah, funny. Like a teacher was that's.

Speaker 2: 4:28

I think she used to be in the boss, and maybe she was the boss in every area of her life and I think she just it was so natural to her. I think that that's what she was doing in every area of her life. I think these days you probably call her a Karen, but that's beside the point, but it just it, just it. Just you just feel like that's what she was really comfortable talking to me or or or talking around me in a certain way, and I, I, I couldn't let that stand, man, sometimes I can't just let stuff go and not, you know, make everything into a power struggle. But I couldn't do it this time. Maybe I was too weak, maybe I was too strong, I don't know which one it was but I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her do that to me. I asserted my authority, I asserted my dominance. In the situation where I thought I had it, I just allowed her to have it. I set her straight.

Speaker 1: 5:23

Hey, I'm up for it, man. I put down who they are. This is my kid. Engage with me. This is my kid. Yeah, I love that you were fighting for your kids. You just kind of spend time with them. They're mine. Lay that claim.

Speaker 2: 5:45

Yeah, it's been. We got it rough man. People don't think that, but there's a lot of things that we have to deal with. It's not easy. People think it's easy to be a man. It's not. The responsibilities are super great.

Speaker 1: 6:01

My guest today, mr Yu, had some incredible insights into the fact that life works a whole lot differently when you come together with your spouse a united front. So today, on this episode of the Dad has Shenanigans podcast, we're talking firsthand with a man who went from. We have no plan on this Firsthand with a man who went from. We have no plan on this. We're just going to wing it to what it looks like when you come together with your spouse and the difference that makes in raising your kids, with some great stories, some great insights and a great dad hat story. Guys, dig into this episode with Mr you right after this word from our sponsors. Right now, my pillow is having afor-one sale. The first is a closeout sale on the Perkel bedsheets Any size, any color, just $29.88. That's right. You can even get Queens Kings, split Kings and California Kings Any size, any color $29.88. 11 colors to choose from. And when they're gone, they're gone, guys, and they're disappearing fast. So order soon, choose from. And when they're gone, they're gone, guys, and they're disappearing fast. So order soon. The second is a sale to celebrate their new energy drink, rev7. Now, guys, I absolutely love rev7. I did an entire video, I'll review on it and it is actually officially my favorite energy drink. It is the best energy drink I've ever had. Honest to god, a premium energy drink that's actually good for you. It tastes, tastes great. It gives you energy all day long. I will testify that. Plus, it has no sugar, no caffeine, so you don't experience jitters or a crash and we've all been through that with other energy drinks. What makes Rev7 so special is it's powered with Cognizant, a premium nootropic that helps fuel your mind and go BHB, which is a premium key, primary, key tone in your body that provides the most efficient and cleanest fuel ever. Guys, I feel amazing when I am drinking Rev7. That's why I drink it, that's why I love it, and I've been an energy drink guy for years. My pillow is so confident that you're going to love Rev7 that for a limited time off time, you can try their introductory three pack absolutely free. That's right, absolutely free. It just costs you shipping. Guys, order now, because when the sheets are gone, the sale is over and they're there's emptying the warehouse, so order quickly. I ordered a couple of tests myself for the house and you can get Rev7 either as a one-off. You can try the three pack absolutely free or you can get Rev7, either as a one-off. You can try the 3-PAP absolutely free, or you can get a subscription-based model for Rev7. Guys, this drink is amazing. I absolutely love it and I think you will too.

Speaker 1: 8:33

Now let's jump back into the show with the incredible mystery. Welcome to the DadHash Shenanigans podcast. The unfiltered truth about being a dad, real dads, real stories, unfiltered candid conversations on fatherhood. I'm your host, brent Dallin. Today, my guest is a man in many hats himself, with one of the most important being dad Yusuf Marshall, but you might know him more as his commonest nomenclature, aka the incredible Mr you. Mr you, welcome to Dad Hatching in his podcast. Thank you, man.

Speaker 2: 9:12

Oh, I'm excited, man. I got the dad part straight. I think I got the hat. I'm ready for it. Let's go, man, I'm excited.

Speaker 1: 9:19

You're having me on, man? I've actually had people show up without hats, Like that's why there's so much on that in our conversation. That's not a violation. Right, it's the first instruction Bring a hat. But hey, speaking of hat, okay, you're wearing a White Castle ball cap. Tell us the dad hat story. What's up with the dad hat?

Speaker 2: 9:41

Oh, it's funny. To be be clear, I would never have bought this myself. I have a long white castle history. Uh, when I was a little kid I told story to my daughter so many times, I think it's how it got started.

Speaker 2: 9:53

But growing up, uh, back in the old city, you know, I had time for breakfast. I had a one of those lives where I was like a latchkey kid so I had to kind of do my own thing, get out of the house and had to go to a different borough to go to school. I had to take two trains and a bus to go to high school. So for me, the bus, the white captain at the bus stop I had to be at to get off the train, to get on the bus. So it was natural breakfast and it became a thing all four years, every day of school breakfast I didn't get breakfast at home because I was just rushing to get out of there to get on the train. You know the train is late, you're late for school, so it was just me being early. So White Castle was the option.

Speaker 2: 10:35

I ate White Castle for breakfast for four years and you know what it doesn't sound appetizing. I got like a good breakfast, but it was the breakfast of champions and I loved it and I ate it every single day and I sometimes even had it for lunch. I was that into it. Sometimes dinner too. I love White Castle. After a while. There's a reputation about the burgers, though. You can't eat that stuff and not pay a cost to eat this food, just to put it like that, without getting gross on your show. But my daughter's heard the story many times and I've been a fan of the ones in the frozen variety because I moved away from where they were White Castle restaurants so I couldn't find that stuff where I lived. I thought I had to live home in New York, so they were bottles for me. I ran them out of the supermarket and everything and after a while I backed off. But my grandkids wanted to give me a Father's Day gift, so they got me a cup that says you know, you're the best Popeye in the world and all kinds of the greatest Popeye and all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 2: 11:31

And this hat was also in one of the gifts. I'm like a White Castle hat. It reminded me that they were actually listening to my stories and they actually heard me, because I didn't think they would listen to me, but they obviously heard me and they came together and figured out that a white castle hat would be an awesome gift. This is actually my first time wearing it. Don't tell anybody because I'm not gonna wear. I'm not gonna wear it out on the street, but I'm proud of my gift. It came from my kids and my grandkids. I'm with it, but this is my first time actually wearing this. I'm out trying to make it fit this morning and everything but great memories came from me putting it on my head today and it's a good opportunity to even do that. This is really good. I'm thinking about all kind of cool stuff that happened that I came with it. So my father's day gift for my kids and my grandkids White Castle here we go History.

Speaker 1: 12:20

That's awesome. Like some women don't understand, like men, men have hats that just like actual physical hats. Right, I? I have a ball cap from the 91, 92, 93 back-to-back rose bowl championships for the, for the huskies, okay, because it was a really important time in my life and that was when, like, our quarterback from that year went on to play pro ball Uh, he was the quarterback for Jacksonville for when they formed and so like. But I mean it is dirty and gross. My wife's like throw it away, I'm like no, just wash it.

Speaker 1: 13:01

I'm afraid to wash that one it might fall apart. I think the oils hold. Oh, wow, uh, yeah, it is. I have that collection of hats, other than this fancy showy one, but I love the white castle hat because there you have such a story behind that, right there so, and your kids were listening, which is like even better that they got it for you. I'm amazed, yeah, how many kids you have kids and grandkids that got that.

Speaker 2: 13:27

Yeah, three grown daughters, six grandkids and we found out about eight months ago that we have a great-grandchild I haven't met yet.

Speaker 1: 13:36

Oh, my goodness bro.

Speaker 2: 13:39

I'm going to take a sip on that one.

Speaker 1: 13:40

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Cheers to a great-. It's amazing, but Before we go too much farther, Mr Yu, tell us about yourself. For those who are joining us today who don't know you already, you guys can catch me over on his show and soon you'll catch him on my other show. But for people who don't know Mr Yu and you have not found one of your fantastic podcasts or some of your other adventures, we'll call it adventures. Tell us about you.

Speaker 2: 14:15

Wow About me. Like you said earlier, that's kind of how I describe myself now. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades and wear many hats. I've done so many things in life that I mean I kind of talk about it in the show, just kind of just put it out there where it doesn't sound like it's self-aggrandizing. I kind of just talk about the many things that I got valuable experiences from. But currently I guess I can be described as an ordained minister, a podcaster. As you well know, I'm the director of a new nonprofit. That's kind of where all my energy is going right now. I mean, the husband-father piece is always present.

Speaker 2: 14:52

But those are the things that I do, I guess, in life, in the world and stuff. I mean I got a lot of things. I was a singer and songwriter for years. I was an author of my first book. I've done so many things. I was a leader in industry, with the government, border security and passports and stuff. I mean I was doing a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2: 15:13

So I guess I'm just, you know, trying to just live this purpose out and be the best version of myself that I can be, and I'm trying to find myself in this world of podcasting and media and trying to be the professional and encourager if I can be and I'm trying to find myself in this world of podcasting and media and and trying to be the professional and encourager If I can describe myself. I guess that's what I am. I'm a professional, encourager, professional friend. That's what I'm trying to do right now. So that's kind of my goal to help some folks out growing their purpose and helping get some answers to some lifelong questions. So that's the goal of the podcast and that's the goal of my private conversations with people and my consultations, et cetera. That's what I'm doing, man.

Speaker 1: 15:50

So I love it. I like the professional encourager title that's. There are a lot of people these days who could use encouragement. So I think you're doing great things there and I absolutely love your show. Oh, thank you, sir. Like I said, guys, you can find me on his show, but find his show because his show is a lot of fun. He's got great conversations going on with people. I enjoy being on it, but I just like after listening to it getting ready to be on your show. It's like you got a great show, man. I love it.

Speaker 2: 16:21

So fine. Your episode was awesome too, man. Your episode with us was amazing man.

Speaker 1: 16:27

I hope they catch that one of his shows because you you have three. Is it three or four?

Speaker 2: 16:31

yeah, that's right well, you're just three. Now. One's a a sports show from for our hometown uh nfl team, but the other two are just encouragement, teaching, purpose, leadership, development. That's what the other two shows are all about. So that's all we're doing there. But yeah, just one sports show absolutely.

Speaker 1: 16:47

I had to launch a third show just so I could keep up with you bro go for it, man this is that five. I couldn't do it. This is the third show, so, oh okay, after hanging out with you on your show, I was like man, I'm dropping the ball, I'm not doing enough.

Speaker 2: 17:03

So I don. So I hope I didn't send that message, because that was not my intention. We used to have five. I had to pull back and say this is not I got. I got to use my time wisely. So that's why I pulled back from having five. I'm like okay, I gotta be focused on what's the most important goal here. What am I trying to accomplish? Do these other shows help me accomplish that goal? If they don't, they got to go One of the shows, the most popular one that we had. We had 22,000 followers on one network from that show. We had to kill it, though. It was my decision, though Nobody forced me into that. I just said you know what? This is not going to help me get to the goal that I have. So I love sports. I talk about it pretty fluidly, but it wasn't worth investing that kind of time into it. So we put it to bed early this month, like.

Speaker 2: 17:56

I said man, I'm all about purpose man.

Speaker 1: 17:58

That's a whole other conversation we'll have to get into on another day. For sure, what's the best part about being a dad, and now a granddad like you? You can.

Speaker 2: 18:06

You can this one if you are well, the best part about the granddad part is that you know you can hang out with him and and send him back home. That's the best part about that part. As far as being a dad, though, I think the best part of just knowing that you know what, you learn how to sacrifice, and just knowing that you know what you learn how to sacrifice and I know that people you know talk about that council. Some people go, some parents go overboard where they begin to worship their children and try to live their lives through their children, and the children don't want what they're trying to live out through them. It's ugly scene, but I think one of the biggest things for me that I think is the best thing, it's the sacrifice part, Because the world around us and I'm not trying to go political or anything like that, just kind of just talking generally speaking we forgot what honor and sacrifice look like and we're out here trying to get, get, get and we don't realize what it takes, what the cost is for us to even have what we actually do have, that we don't really respect or that we don't really cherish or honor, and being a father, it causes you to learn sacrifice real quick.

Speaker 2: 19:10

You learn about you know what it means to give up what you want and what your goal was in life in order to make sure that theirs comes true. And that's not an easy thing to do as a parent, especially a loving parent. You have to give up some things that you want in favor of making sure that your children are taken care of. So I had to learn. Coming from the place where I come from geographically, I needed to learn that that was important for me. So being a dad was a blessing. I think I would say it saved my life, because I could have been in a different place in some stuff, and being a father gave me responsibilities off the bat. I had to learn about you know what it's ain't about you, this whole thing's not about you and kind of help foster great things in my kids so they can be the best uh, them that it can be in this crazy world. So sacrifice for the biggest lesson, I think, is the best thing that happened to me personally as a dad.

Speaker 1: 20:51

So you know I love it. It's I've I've listened to other men talk about, uh, becoming fathers and how radically it changed their lives, and I've heard more than one express the idea that really it's what saved me. Like you think, like your kids think you're doing amazing things for them, but honestly, like our kids do so much for us, like my life is so much richer because of my daughters and fuller like I, I laugh more, I enjoy my life, more, I'm more passionate about it, right? So, no matter where you're coming from, it's I've seen this over and over again with a lot of dads like man, my kids have no idea how much they saved me. Like and and I love you know I want, I want to be Superman for my kids, right? So I, I want to set that bar high and I want to be Superman, but like I have to wait there, older is my you're the ones who say me you know I can't tell about you, you know.

Speaker 1: 22:07

No, it's gonna be a minute for you to share that story. It's gonna be. It's gonna be a minute a little bit, and, mr you, you wanted to. We talked about what we're going to talk about today and kick some ideas around, and I'm really like to this idea of talking about the importance of having a night in front with your spouse or your partner in raising, because they will learn ruthless precision, how to conquer and divide, divide and conquer very quickly, like it's an instinctual thing. So let's, let's talk about having that united front when, with your spouse, as you're raising kids, and what that means.

Speaker 2: 22:47

Wow it was. It played out almost like a movie. And because I used to write screenplays and write books and manuscripts and that kind of stuff, I get the art, the whole creative side of movie. I get into the, the plot twists and that kind of stuff. I get the whole creative side of movies. I get into the plot twists and that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2: 23:04

Our life played out like that because we went into this thing happy, everybody was good, we were excited about our situation family-wise and everything. It was just all good. It started off flowers, rainbows, the whole deal, peaches and puppies. It was just great. And then the bottom fell out.

Speaker 2: 23:24

People started, you know, different sides of the family started getting involved in our life and speaking and trying to manipulate our members of our home from the outside and trying to just kind of stick their nose in our family, business and stuff. And it turned into a thing where we had almost like every day was a walking on the land trying to avoid landmines in your house, you know, and that was that's not, that's not. It's not good in war, it's not good in life either, in family, and we we lived that for many years and it got to the point where my wife and I were like I don't think we said it out right, but we wondered if we were going to make it, because it was just too much stuff happening and she was starting to have pity for me. It's all good, this is my problem, not yours. You're free to do whatever you want. I'm sorry to put all this stuff on you, and I told her to shut her mouth. I said that many times too. I said shut your mouth, I'm here with you. Me and you made the commitment here. You know what I'm saying. I mean, people talk about where the kids should be in the family dynamic, and that's a different conversation for a different day.

Speaker 2: 24:38

But for me, we got to the place where we were literally at the end of our ropes. That's not hyperbole, that's really where we were and we were like, okay, we got to do something. And I don't know if it was an epiphany, it wasn't because of a book that either of us were reading. I don't know what happened and where it came from, but we somehow it just clicked that. You know what? When these kids get older, they're not going to be here, so all the damage that they're doing right now, they're going to leave us behind and we're going to be in the rubble of this and they're going to go on to their lives. They're going to go on and go to school and college, I guess, whatever and get married and do their own thing in life, and we'll still be here trying to clean up and we'll still be here trying to clean up.

Speaker 2: 25:20

So what we figured out during that time was you know what? It's time for a united front. If nothing else matters, the only thing that matters is our relationship, you and I. Now I'll tell you right now that didn't go over well with people generally speaking, because they all think that their kids are their world and the kids is everything. No offense to anybody that's listening but they think that the kids should be at the priority. As a matter of fact, they're supposed to be the highest thing on the food chain. I don't agree with that.

Speaker 2: 25:47

For my wife and I, we said you know what you and I are, the relationship. We got to maintain this above everything else. If our kids hate us and loathe us, which they did, that's fine. Perhaps that'll change over time. They'll get past that Maybe. Perhaps we'll have some kind of Jesus meeting, come to Jesus meeting, and maybe we'll get through that. But at the end of the day, my wife and I are the, we are the union, we are the relationship. Everything else is a component of that or offshoot of that.

Speaker 2: 26:20

So when we figured that part out, it was a game changer for us. We figured out you know what it's, you and I. We got to be in agreement. They can't talk to you about one thing and tell me something different. They can't ask me for something that you said no to already. No, we got to be on the same page. And when we did that, it killed a whole lot of the machinations that our kids had about trying to divide and get their way with some things want to go to parties that we wouldn't approve of, be around folks that we didn't like, that kind of stuff. It killed all of that stuff because we had a united front and it just kind of foreshadowed how important unity is in a marriage. You can't give that up for your kids, cause it will, it would be, it would be the end of you. You can't do it. So when we figured that part out, we were stronger than we ever have been before. Next year we're going to be celebrating our 30th year in marriage. No, and neither one of us thought it was going to happen. So that that's probably what my you know. I thought the United Front was a powerful message to kind of share today, because a lot of people are not doing it. I see it all the time. I'm not pointing anybody out because I know they may be watching this, but I see it all the time.

Speaker 2: 27:33

The kids are the decision makers in the households. If they scream loud enough from Walmart and fall out, they get that candy, they get that teddy bear, they decide they move the needle in their household. And I'm sorry but that's just not. I don't care what the situation is. That just cannot possibly Okay. That child's a miracle child. You didn't think they should be here, they should have died, but they survived. They still don't have the right to ruin your whole household and run your marriage. I'm so sorry. They just can't do that. It's you and your spouse and that's it. Everybody else got to come in line with that fact. That's the I mean from the beginning of time.

Speaker 2: 28:13

It started off with that Male and female husband and wife. Everything else came from that. So the child can't be the boss. I'm so sorry. The child can't be the queen. She can be a princess but she can't be the queen. The son can be a prince, but he can't be the king. So for me and my wife, when we figured that part out, it was a game changer for us. It changed everything. The whole power dynamic shifted and we still had some challenges and stuff and we knew that there were some things that weren't quite right. But we had that part down, pat. We were together, we were in it for the long haul we're going for as many years as we're going to be blessed to have on this earth and we're going to do all of it being married and staying married and staying in love with each other. When we decided that it was a wrap, nothing could come between us and people tried so many have tried to split us up. We're still here almost 30 years, brother.

Speaker 1: 29:15

The power of unity. Man. Congratulations on almost 30 years. Thank you, sir. So big these days. We just celebrated our 24th anniversary last month. Oh, sweet baby, that's good.

Speaker 1: 29:26

And like people like, oh my God, you guys have been married for so long. We, we people who have been married like 50 plus years, and it's horrifying to me that, like you know, people's expectations have lowered so far when it comes to couples staying together. But, let's know, people's expectations have lowered so far when it comes to couples staying together. But let's unpack this a little bit, because I love what you said. In that moment you realized, hey, after they're gone, it's us like they're, they're this much and and I mean you have grandkids now and and a great grandchild right, your kids are always going to be part of your life or, hopefully, as a parent. But we're working on it and the time period where they're in your house is a fragment of what's to come right Of your life together. That dynamic changed things radically for you guys. It's like, hey, it's us, right, we got to hold through this, no matter what. Oh, yeah, and you said there was resistance from your kids on this.

Speaker 2: 30:40

Oh yeah, oh, absolutely. I mean because they kind of felt like you know, I think, us, you should understand why we want to do this. You should be on our side. You know, us against the men. You know, it wasn't the story I I shared about the, uh, the school administrator. It's us, women against the men. It's like men against power struggle. I'm like, yeah, that doesn't work in this kind of household, the kind of household that we're trying to forge and build, it doesn't work. So, yeah, there of household, the kind of household that we're trying to forge and build, it doesn't work. So, yeah, there was a little bit of a power struggle. They were trying to get them hurt. On their side come against a tyrannical man, the father who was laying down the law. We must dethrone him.

Speaker 2: 31:36

It was ridiculous, but it's a real thing that happens in households. It's a real thing. It was ridiculous, but it's a real thing that happens in households.

Speaker 1: 31:42

It's a real thing. One of the earliest conversations I had with my daughters about what they will actually be in trouble for, right, the things that will actually get them in trouble in our household. One of the very first things that my wife and I laid out is if you come to one of us and ask us something and get an answer and then you don't like that answer, so you try and go to the other one to get a different answer, without telling the other one you already asked us. Like, if you try and play us against each other, nothing there, there's almost nothing else that will escalate things more quickly on the back end for you guys. Because we find out you're trying to play each other, us against each other, and, like I, I don't get angry. Angry I I when I was younger I had anger issues. I worked through those. It takes a lot for me to actually like you know I I might get a little louder, but I don't actually get really angry about things most of the time anymore. But it's like you. You want to see me mad. Let's not. Let's not play mom and dad, because my wife and I both grew up working with children and being around a lot of children. Um, I have nieces who are all adults now, and so we, we watched our like my siblings go through this and we watched other friends, kids, play this game of playing mom against dad and it's like, nope, that's not happening, right? I?

Speaker 1: 33:14

I'm amazed how many parents don't seem to understand that that is going on in their household, right? How many dads listening right now don't understand, because you may be busy working or whatever you're doing as the father, as the dad and I know you're trying to be involved in your kid's life, so you wouldn't be listening to a podcast like this but how often is your kid going behind you and trying to play your wife against you to get what they want? Right? And that's what my wife's first response is. Well, what'd your dad say? And my first response is always what'd your mom say? Because I just assume they went to her first and they don't always. Like my kids have learned, they've been conditioned to this point. But that's that's our first question, because, like, did you talk to the other person in charge in this household? And it changes your relationship with your kids. Now I want to talk about the example you're setting for your children by having their night in front. How do you think that impacts them going forward with their relationships?

Speaker 2: 34:30

I got a chance to see a really bad example played out with one of my girls and, I think, one that somewhat decent example, but what I think in hindsight, looking back at it, what I think happened was I showed them an example of what a healthy marriage should look like. We showed them an example of what a healthy marriage should look like In the moment. That wasn't what our goal was. We were just trying to survive the onslaught. It may sound dramatic and hyperbolic, but it was really really hellish for us in a lot of different ways, but I think what we tried to show them was just an example of what a healthy marriage should look like, what communication should look like between spouses and parents of young children, what it should look like to deal with conflict, conflict resolution type stuff, and I hope that we showed that. I've seen, you know, one of my daughters, the only one that has actually married somebody. They've dated and been with people, but they haven't. My daughter, my youngest, is the only one who's actually married to somebody and it looks like it's a pretty decent relationship. There's some enabling that goes on there and stuff. That's a that's a side note, but you know. But beside that, I think that we try to show them. You know what it looks like to talk and be there for each other. I mean, if you take cues from the media and arts and entertainment and that kind of stuff, I mean, a healthy, wholesome marriage is like it's kind of hard to find. You got to go to certain networks to find this. You know what I'm saying. Even sometimes even that's suspect. So it's like you really have to dig deep to find anybody trying to really do it right, at least in those mediums anyway. And in real life we know people are doing it all around the world. It's not that unique, it just appears to be that way because of what we are fed. But I try to be short on what it looks like to be healthy communicators, to be healthy in dealing with adversity and how we handle it. You know, being more responsive and not so reactive. We've got to just teach them that. To be honest, man, I don't know if they learn that. I don't know if they got it down. I don't know if they got it down. I don't know if they pulled from it from time to time in their relationships. I really can't tell. Sad to say, I don't have great examples of big wins. Hey, man, look, we helped them get there. I don't know, man, I hope. I hope that we see that in times to come.

Speaker 2: 37:18

There's been times where one of my daughters because she lived with us, with her and her two or three children for a little while, so I got to hear some of her thoughts and questions and stuff I could tell even that I guess I take that as a small win. The question that she asked us let us know that she was paying attention all those years, even though she was making her lives hell, she was paying attention to what was going on and she kind of picked up on some things about what a good relationship should look like. So I'll give, I'll give her, I'll celebrate that small W. That's probably one of those. I'll do that.

Speaker 1: 37:52

You gotta take the wins where you can get them, man. You know kids see what you're doing, so much more than what you hear or what they what you tell them, I should say, um, so modeling that in your own marriage, right, modeling that it's us first. We are the core of this family. We are, we are the strength of this family. And you said you found it like life got easier as a parent when you actually had this united front with your wife. Was it just more security? How'd that play?

Speaker 2: 38:33

I think it helped us formulate a plan. This more to it than that. But I'm going to try to break it down best as I can without being too clunky. But we went into it. We knew each other for three months before we got married and we knew it was going to be a real thing for us. We just kind of knew it. I'm not going to say, oh, love at first sight, I'm not going to get cheesy about it, but we just knew within that three-month period you know what, this is my wife, this is my husband this was going to happen and we honored that. We went through with it and we did it. But I can't say we really had a plan. We did premarital counseling and little things to help ourselves. We've been in marital workshops and stuff, things to kind of help educate us about what it looks like to step into this. But we didn't have a real plan and I think we had to have that.

Speaker 2: 39:24

The moment before we had the United Front. Well, the moments before it revealed that we didn't have a plan. It revealed that we didn't have an idea where we were going to go with this. We knew we wanted to stay married. That wasn't really. That's more of a hope. It's not really a strategy. So we didn't really have a plan like, hey, this is what's going to happen, this is what we're aiming for, this is how we're going to do things in our house when it comes to raising our children. We didn't really formulate a plan. We kind of said you know, we're going to just do this and we were winging it. We were winging it for several years. To be honest about it, my wife, if she was here, she would agree I ain't talking, I ain't saying anything that's out of pocket. We were winging it.

Speaker 2: 40:05

That being said, when we got that United Front, it made us you know what? It's time to start strategizing. We kind of went to a war type mentality. It was really weird, but I understand why. But that's a side topic too. We started making plans. We started mapping stuff out, writing out plans and ideas. Excuse me, this is what we're going to do, this is the structure. I mean, we started making, you know, getting things in order, and when you have a plan, man, you can do so many different things. We have a plan. No plans change and life changes like life, be Life, be life sometimes.

Speaker 2: 40:39

But it was so good that we had a plan and a strategy. I think that was a game changer for us, because did it make things easier? I think some things were a little bit easier. We knew that when people came at us with the insults or try to, you know, get personal because they couldn't have their way, try to, you know, take deep digs at us we were able to deflect it a whole lot better, like ah yeah, that's okay, the plan is still going on. If you want to be a part of it, you sure can. If you want to stay on the ship, you sure can, but we're headed in this direction. If you don't want to be on here, your only recourse is to jump off. So this is kind of what we. It made things a little bit easier. We still had to go through some struggles and some wars, and they're very well documented. But the bottom line With that, yeah, it helped us Having a strategy, having a plan For our life and deciding what we were going to do, or at least having some kind of goals 5, 10, 15 year goals.

Speaker 2: 41:36

It helped us. It helped us recognize that you know what this is about. You and I, we got to live this life out five, 10, 15-year goals. It helped us. It helped us recognize that you know what this is about. You and I, we got to live this life out. We can't compromise it for people who aren't even going to be here, who aren't even going to be driving on this ship with us. They may be visitors, but they're not going to be here. You and I are going to be here. Let's fight for our happiness and to walk in the blessings and and be the the you and I that we're supposed to be.

Speaker 1: 42:04

So I, I can I hope it does?

Speaker 1: 42:07

oh, it does. I'm laughing because, like I, I can literally hear the young dads who have like just little ones right now listening to this conversation being a little freaked out because my wife and I we try and go and actually like do. Uh, usually every year we try and do like one like you know, marriage seminar or class, and one is like we, we intentionally try and go do something together. Right, we find our church or one of the churches in the area hosting the parenting class or a marriage class and we try and put back into us every year. But, like at the last parenting class we were one of two couples that had kids over the age of six. Like the rest of them were like really new parents, oh, wow, and sarah and I would say things and the looks on some of their faces, like my wife was like you know, you love your children. There are days you don't like them and I just want to ring their necks. You love them. You just really don't like who they are right now. And like I saw all these young parents like just look horrified that she would say, right, if there are days you don't like your children, they're like you know, you're like right.

Speaker 1: 43:23

And so I can hear the young fathers now going wait, this, this doesn't sound like a fatherhood conversation. He's talking about like going to war and barely surviving and being hellish. Gentlemen, as your kids get older, you're going to have different phases of their lives and there there will be times. It doesn't make it bad as far as, like you, you it does not make fatherhood not worth it. It just understand there will be really rough times with your children at times as they grow through the different phases of their life. So for the young dads right now who are just holding like a nine month old or something, or a one year old, trust me, you'll get there, it's okay, and you're still going to love that kid. But there will be times you're like why did I do this? What? What was I thinking?

Speaker 1: 44:17

It's going to happen, but it's okay, you got a dad joke for us.

Speaker 2: 44:27

Yeah, this was a challenge to me because even though I've been a dad for a while, the dad joke trend I never got involved with it, but I do have one. You guys can decide if it's good or bad, I have no idea. But here's my dad joke. Do you know where all the dad jokes are kept? Where in the database?

Speaker 1: 44:52

fair play, fair play, definitely a dad joke. That's one of the hard things. A lot of dad jokes, those in the moment things where you're like right, because it plays in the moment my daughter, she's 13, my oldest daughter's 13, so I get the eye roll with the puns. Oh no, it's like I'm quick with the puns and she's like really dad, really you know I, I get that look, but you know she is supportive, she. She got me this dad jokes book for the show.

Speaker 1: 45:25

So oh sweet just like hey, I get so much, so much grief when I make a dad joke and you're like but you give me a book. She's like well, you know you're funny, so you need help with the show. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2: 45:41

I wish she approved the jokes in the book, but I guess that doesn't really matter now. She doesn't even think you're funny.

Speaker 1: 45:50

Yeah, it's fair. I'm not like the funniest person in the world, so you know. I figure she's helping me on this one.

Speaker 2: 45:56

Okay, I hope she approves of your growth in this area.

Speaker 1: 46:02

Mr U, what is the one thing you really want people to hear today?

Speaker 2: 46:14

I think, since we're talking about dad, I'm kind of just staying in the theme of this. You know the fatherhood journey. One thing is that, even though the assignment is going to be daunting a lot of the time, you know, don't neglect the power of community. I've been sharing this for the past three weeks on different shows. It's just something I'm really passionate about. Don't neglect the importance of community, because the minute you're in isolation and I'm saying it because I was actually in it in these stories I was sharing with you that's where I didn't have any other dad supporting me. I wasn't in any kind of communities. I was solo, trying to figure it out all in my head, based on my own experiences and stuff the importance of community. It changed that for me and it will change it for you too.

Speaker 2: 47:04

I mean, it's not going to make everything go away in your household because you've got to go home, lock the door, you know, close the blinds and still live in that situation. I'm saying but the community part man. Every time that I've seen that when it's done right, it's a beautiful thing and as men we struggle to connect a lot of the time. But we need to have that community. So I would say embrace that wherever you can find it. You only find it in one or two people who you just trust to talk to you about fatherhood stuff, whether it be Brent, or even if it's myself or both of us. If you just feel like you can talk to us in a transparent way and it's helpful for you and it's healthy for you, embrace it. That community is how we grow the most and it helps us to get off of the ledge when we want to jump a lot of the time.

Speaker 1: 47:53

So that's what I would say and gentlemen, if you're struggling with connecting with the people in your life in a meaningful way, the people that really matter to you, message me directly on instagram or go to my website, purposedrivenmancom. There's a bubble down in the corner. When you click on it, you can send mea video message, an audio message, text message. I'm super, super reachable and you know, let's talk. My relationship titans pot program may be exactly what need. I know a lot of guys who got really busy trying to build kind of let the relationship side of their life go. If you're in that place with your kids or with your spouse, let's talk, maybe, maybe my program is right for you. If not, I know some great relationship coaches besides myself who would love to talk to you and help you get back on track with the people who truly matter in your life. Mr you, where is the best place for people to connect with you?

Speaker 2: 48:47

the best place I'll probably tell you. Youtube channel, youtubecom at. They call me mr you, m-i-s-t-a-y-u. I probably say that probably the best way. Uh, on many of our show notes we have Usually some links where you can Kind of schedule a consultation with me, a 30 minute free consultation. I'm not sure if people are even seeing this, so that's another story, but that's available In a lot of places too. We can have a talk about purpose, about fatherhood, just about us as men just connecting and building community. I'm a big advocate for that, so the YouTube channel is the best way to probably get me.

Speaker 1: 49:24

Right now, though, and guys, as always, we'll have Mr U's links all down in the show notes. The YouTube description Rumble Where'd it go? Also, on the page on my website, with this episode, we'll have all the ways you can connect with Mr U. On the page on my website, with this episode, we'll have all the ways you can connect with Mr Yu, and some of our past collaborations and the future collaborations will go there as well, because this will not be the last conversation we have.

Speaker 2: 49:46

Oh gosh, I'm hoping that it's good.

Speaker 1: 49:48

Guys, thanks for joining us today on the Dad Hatchin' Indians podcast, a community of dads just navigating life challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad life.