When Support Systems Fail: Reimagining Your Inner Circle

Hey, Friends and Family.

Even in the months of the podcast season when things are slow, we have content for you. Our team thought it a great idea to start reviewing previous (but timely) episodes of our show during the times that Mista Yu is away from the microphone. All of these episodes (or beautiful Blasts from the Past) were previously broadcast, but we are sharing them with you at a time when you might need them most. Hope you enjoy!

ONE TO GROW ON:

This blast from the past hits harder than most! Finger pointing and the blame game rule the day but who escorted these people into our environments. Maybe this episode will help assign the blame squarely where it belongs! 

• Drawing from dental hygiene's "tiny circles" technique, this approach to relationships requires repetition, consistency, and discipline
• We naturally categorize people into three sections: "any" (acquaintances kept at arm's length), "some" (people with some equity in our lives), and "few" (our trusted inner circle)
• The problem isn't having categories, but placing the wrong people in the wrong positions based on poor evaluation
• When support systems fail, it's similar to back pain—debilitating but not permanent
• Social media has complicated our ability to maintain boundaries, exposing us to influences we might not want
• Being friendly and compassionate doesn't mean giving everyone equal access to your life
• If relationships that worked in the past no longer bear fruit, it may be time to "cut that tree down and replant"

Also, check out Strong Coffee Company with promo code TCMMY for a special discount.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Introduction
• 2:09 Navigating Social Life in 2020
• 4:22 The Concept of Tiny Circles
• 5:59 Revelations During Challenging Times
• 12:18 The Three Sections: Any, Some, Few
• 17:32 Misplaced People and Priorities
• 24:11 Product Recommendations
• 26:32 Support Systems and Moving Forward
• 36:11 Final Thoughts and Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Thanks again for listening to one-on-one with Mr U and your Inspiration Station. I'm really excited about today's episode and a chance to share another compelling story with all of you that I really hope changes your tomorrow. Let's not waste another minute, let's get into it. What's up everybody? Welcome back to the all-purpose pod for an all-purpose life. This ain't no ride-along baby. I'm your partner. They call me mr you. I'm your coach and your host.

Speaker 1: 1:01

Mr you, guys, we're so grateful once again for all of the questions and comments and all your support on our social media platforms. We love it. We appreciate hearing it. Some of that stuff is crazy out there, but we are loving to hear from you guys, loving to hear your thoughts and loving to hear what you think about the show. So please keep that coming. Keep the momentum going on. That we definitely appreciate it. It helps to drive us, helps to inspire us to continue to keep going with this episode and with these podcasts. Thank you so much again. We really appreciate it, guys. Amount of time that we have.

Speaker 1: 1:36

You know, this particular period in time is an era that we most of us in our age group have never seen, or those that are even of a younger generation have never seen before. You know, and now we're looking at a challenge to our social life. You know there's a lot to talk about when it comes to 2020. There's a lot that we can complain and gripe about. One of the things that's an overarching big picture that I'm seeing right now is just an almost an assault on your social life, a barrage on what you have become accustomed to socially. You know, social life isn't what it used to be. No, hang out with friends in public places, sharing ideas and new things and just things like that. You know, I want to encourage you today. If you allow me to just hear this from my heart, it's going to be okay. I know that if you go on your social media platform, especially on Twitter and Facebook pages and even some of the other platforms out there, you're going to hear a lot of doom and gloom. You're going to hear a lot of sadness and woe is me and a lot of things along that line. But it's going to be okay. This is not the end of us. One thing I know about the human spirit that I can honestly say from experiencing it and kind of seeing it come into fruition, is that when we're faced with issues and struggles and challenges, and I believe because of the God in us and not so much about how great we are, but I really believe that we have the ability to persevere and bounce back and overcome. We're not going to sing Kumbaya this morning, I'm just saying it's going to be okay. We're not going to sing Kumbaya this morning, I'm just saying it's going to be okay. We're going to be able to evolve, adapt and rise above all of the issues that we're challenged with, particularly in this year. It's going to be okay.

Speaker 1: 4:03

We're going to be talking today about tiny circles. That may sound familiar to you. Tiny circles is what dental hygienists and dental experts highly recommend. They all seem to agree on this point that the best step in daily hygiene regarding your teeth is to brush with slow, circular strokes, in other words, tiny circles. And whether we're brushing our teeth or being socially responsible because we are being asked by experts during this time of the pandemic they're advising tiny circles socially, keeping it small, keeping it consistent, friends, those of your household only. So, whether it's brushing our teeth or being socially responsible, there's three points that we have to deal with and address each time, and that's repetition, consistency and discipline. I know that D word is a dirty word for most of us because it has negative connotations, but repetition, consistency and discipline.

Speaker 1: 5:11

I don't know about you guys, but I've been seeing a trend. Maybe just me, maybe nobody else on the entire planet is seeing what I'm seeing or feeling what I'm feeling, but for me, I'm seeing a trend in my view of my career goals, the things that I thought were important, the things that I put out there as the goal, come to find out it was somebody else's expectations and it wasn't even my goal. It was just my need or my eagerness to please somebody else. Maybe my business goals as a business owner, as an entrepreneur, the things that I thought were important and should be first place, what I thought should be priority, even revelations about long-term relationships, long-time friendships, people who said I love you and I'm here for you and I got your six, and then you find out they don't have it when you're in a time of need. We'll talk about that a little bit as we go into the episode.

Speaker 1: 6:19

But, guys, please don't credit the pandemic for all of the bad stuff that's going on in your life. Now I lost somebody, a couple of people, to the virus, so I understand the pain and the hurt of that, the helplessness known. You can't even go to them where they're geographically located because of restrictions. You can't even go and bury them appropriately because of restrictions. I understand all the hurts associated with that, but what I say to you today still stands Don't credit the pandemic for everything that's bad that's going on in your life. Don't curse 2020 because you think it's been unfair to you personally. Like I've said on previous podcasts, if your house is built with shoddy materials and just pieced together and not built according to standard and according to the proper code, if a storm comes or high winds blow, your house will fall. Whose fault is that? Do you curse the storm or do you curse the builders who work with substandard materials and then take the kind of care that should have been taken to build your house in a way where you'll be able to stand that example? That scenario be able to stand that example that scenario applies directly to 2020.

Speaker 1: 7:50

2020 has been revelatory for me. I have found out that a lot of people and you know they may be listening to this podcast today that said, I'm your friend, I'm your brother, I'm your sister. I got your brother, I'm your sister, I got you. I always have your back. I found out during the course of this year when I was in need, when I was struggling, when I was hurting, they weren't there. That's the story for a lot of people, not just Mr you, a lot of people and I'm hearing it from you guys, I'm seeing it on your posts on your social media platforms. Some things are being exposed by this year, but better now than later, right, better to know that they really not your friends, that they really don't have your back. I'd rather know now than wait till I'm in a gunfight and turn around and find out that somebody doesn't have my six anymore. That I thought was there.

Speaker 1: 8:59

2020 has been revelatory for me, and I'm pretty sure it's probably been the same for you as well. What I'm hearing is that you know people who are employees of companies who are being let go, friends that are finding out things about their friends that they didn't know all the years they spent time with them, that they didn't know all the years they spent time with them. People are beginning to discover how their employers look at them, how valuable they actually see them, longtime friends that they've invested years of time and money into come to find out they weren't who you thought they were. Communities as a whole are finding out that you know, the people who they relied on for support didn't really have it. This is a time, if nothing else, to begin to discover your value and your wealth or, I should say, excuse me, your worth. This is the time to discover your worth and your value. We're learning right now, especially in this year, that things aren't exactly what we thought. They're not as stable or as good as we thought they were. That is a unsettling revelation and I understand that. I'm understanding that from a personal view. Before I even start talking to you guys, talking to all our friends that they call me, mr you, all our partners, I'm dealing with this first. I'm going through this, and I know many of you are as well. This has been a crazy year, but it's not insurmountable.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I mean a lot of times I think we struggle. Number one I think we struggle with priorities. We seek answers from the outside when the answers lie within. We don't know who we are. So we allow certain people To be a part of our life, to speak into our life, to contribute to our life what they want to contribute, to speak into our ear what they want to speak, what they think we should be doing with ourselves, with our life, with our romantic life, with our social life, with our educational life, with our financial life. We let them speak because we don't know who we are. So we're looking for validation from people who are not equipped to give it to us. They may not even know who they are either. They may be lacking purpose as much as you are, but we allow them to speak. We allow them to settle in our lives and make our life their home. I think we struggle with purpose. We struggle with priorities who should be where? How much influence should they have? How much impact should it be allowed to make? There's three places in your life where we normally place people, and this is not national or regional, this is global.

Speaker 1: 12:25

You got three sections. You have the any section A-N-Y, the some section S-O-M-E, or the few section F-E-W. Some people can go into the any section. That means anybody is allowed to be there. Doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, what you think, what you look like, what your values are. If you don't have morals or if you are morally sound, doesn't matter. You fit in any category. They kept at arm's length. You don't make a big investment in them. If they can provide something that gives value to you, then you'll take that, you'll accept that. But other than that you don't make any real investments in those areas. They're kind of just on the outside looking in. They don't have to be trusted, they don't have to be authentic to be in that area. They're just there in the section.

Speaker 1: 13:32

In some section that's somebody who has developed some kind of trust with you. They have some kind of equity. Maybe they went to trust with you. They have some kind of equity. Maybe they went to school with you or maybe you know them through a family friend or maybe you were a former co-worker. They have some kind of equity with you. If they call you, you take their call. You'll listen to what they have to say. You may even go to the movies with them. You may even go have a coffee with them, even at some section. You know them a little bit, they know you a little bit. Y'all spend a little time together.

Speaker 1: 14:19

And the last section is the few section. Very few are able to be associated in that section. It's basically for the elite in your life, the people who you trust, without a question. If they needed a place to stay, they can come sleep at your house. If their car broke down, you can come sleep at your house. If their car broke down, you let them borrow your spare car. If they needed $200, you would loan them the money. You may even just give them the money without expecting a return. Pay me back when you can.

Speaker 1: 15:00

The few section represents a level of trust and integrity and access that those in any section and in the some section can't have. That's how we categorize everybody in life Any, some and few. We don't call them by categories, but as human beings. That's exactly what we do. So here's the problem. Everybody does it right. It's global, it's worldwide. What's the problem, though? The problem is that we don't put the right people in the right situation, in the right position. It's problematic because the right person is usually in the wrong position. The problem is placement, because we view things most times through selfish lenses. If we're honest with ourselves today, we do a poor job of evaluating. We do a poor job of evaluating. We do a poor job of selecting.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Tiny circles isn't a bad idea, socially Pandemic or no pandemic, because you want to know who's feeding into your life, who's pouring into your life. You want to know who's making the contribution, who's bringing elements into your life that you don't need to have in your life. You want to know who's making the contribution, who's bringing elements into your life that you don't need to have in your life. Who has access to your life that they should not have Because it's dangerous to you because of where they are. If they give access in their life to just anybody and that same person has access to your life, that means that all those people they have access to or they give access to, has access to your life as well. Get the picture, see, we usually choose our friends based on what we need or what we feel. If we have a void in our life, if we have a loss in life that we haven't recovered from, we choose friends to fill that void. Maybe friends to give us a little pity, maybe friends to give us some comfort, but not solutions like we see on social media. Maybe we want agreement from someone, so we'll just take it wherever we can find it. Maybe we reject challenge, we reject pressure.

Speaker 1: 17:26

This is about misplaced people with misplaced priorities. There's some people that's in any section that has the closest access to you that you trust with everything that go and tell your business and talk about you behind your back. See, they didn't come to the any section on their own. Somebody had to give them a key to the house. You did that. They probably should be in the any section Because they don't have any morals, they don't really have any values, they don't have any concern about your heart, they don't really know you, even though, to be honest, you're figuring out your own life, you're figuring out who you are and you're learning every day more about who you are.

Speaker 1: 18:20

2020 had that kind of impact on me. I'm sure it's impacting you guys the same way, but they may belong in any section. Would you give them the key to the few when it should have been in any? There's people in any that value you, that love you, that trust you, that will never, ever go out of their way to hurt you. But because they didn't fit into your narrative, they didn't fit where you were in life and maybe fit the things that you want to do, not your purpose, just the things you wanted to do. Just the things you wanted to do. You rejected them. You rejected their advice, you rejected their counsel, you rejected their outstretched hand and, as a punishment, they're put in any section when they probably should have been in the few you get where I'm going. It's very interchangeable, ponder that. Think about that when you look at your relationships in your life, when you look at the circles. Think about that. It most definitely makes a difference. It makes a difference long-term and short-term. You got to be selective, but you also got to be consistent.

Speaker 1: 19:40

One of the reasons why I didn't even want to get an Instagram account or get it again Cause I had it and I closed it out and I got it back again One of the reasons why I didn't want to do it was because, almost every week, somebody who is in the sex worker business sends me messages. I don't even know who these people are, where they come from. I don't know who they're connected with. They just send me random messages wanting to follow me and wanting me to follow them. People named Pavlova talking about call me for a good time, I give you good love. What? I don't even know who you are.

Speaker 1: 20:23

We got to be selective. Do I just want to have followers? Do I want to have triple, quadruple digit followers, or do I want to have people who I care to be around, people who I care to listen to what they say, read what they post, look at the pictures they think are important and valuable. See, social media has that kind of impact if it's not used correctly. We can have people that post all kinds of stuff on their page, but because we're friends, because we're connected, we see it on our timelines too.

Speaker 1: 21:03

I found out a lot about some of my friends over the years people who I played fantasy football with, people who I went to school, with, people who I worked with in workplaces. They have some habits and some things they like. That, mr, you ain't trying to fool with point blank, period and plain. I ain't trying to hear it, but you see it and you know it's really. It's really time to make some adjustments. If 2020 is not teaching you anything. Tiny circles is good. Forget that.

Speaker 1: 21:38

The government is mandating that as a whole, as a rule, as a point of fact, when it comes to selection and consistency and discipline and repetition, it's best served for all of us, because we have human hearts that hurt and we go through pain and anguish and we suffer and we feel the best thing we can do is to maintain tiny circles. I'm not saying be friendly, we got to be friendly. I'm not saying not be compassionate, we had to be compassionate. I'm not saying not being loving and paying it forward. We should do all those things. It's best served for us to think about that. Going forward, think about tiny circles slow, consistent repetition, being responsible, being disciplined about who we allow to be in our life, who we allow to be. Consistent repetition, being responsible, being disciplined about who we allow to be in our life, who we allow to be in our inner circle.

Speaker 1: 22:45

I'm not talking about having a mean girls club. I'm just talking about thinking about who we surround ourselves with. Are they like-minded? Have they been properly vetted in your life? Do you know them to be trustworthy? Do they have a history of stabbing their partners in the back? These are all the kind of things you want to know. You can't leave your life to chance. It wouldn't hurt us to be more selective. Keep it tiny, guys.

Speaker 1: 23:23

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Speaker 1: 24:32

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Speaker 1: 25:30

Does the point of tiny circles make sense to you, getting past all of the restrictions with the pandemic and all of the mandates that are being put out there from an emotional, personal standpoint, do you get the point? Are you guys able to see why tiny circles make sense? Keeping your circle small makes sense. There's a saying that I don't know who made it up, but I think it's flat out stupid. Just my personal opinion. The old saying goes keep your friends close and enemies closer. That may be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my entire life. If your enemy doesn't mean you any good, if their whole goal is to destroy, embarrass or humiliate you, why would you want to keep them close. Why would you want that kind of angst and funkiness and evil in your neighborhood, in your life, in your mind? Why would you give your enemy a key to your house, real estate, in your head? Why would you do that? You guys may not agree with that. You may think it's a wise move to keep your enemies close to you.

Speaker 1: 26:46

I'd love to talk to you about it. Jump on our Facebook page at the. Call Me, mr you. I'd love to chat with you guys about it. Hear your thoughts. Tell me why you think that's a good idea. I'm open to listen, but that makes no sense to me whatsoever. I think tiny circles are important for us, especially in this day and time. We need to really think about it. I know a lot of you guys have been going through some of the things that I highlighted in the episode today. I'd love to hear from you guys about that as well. Please jump on our Facebook page with that as well. Anybody been betrayed by a longtime friend? Anybody found out that what they thought their standing was in their company and what their employer told them was not so, and they found out the hard way? We'd love to hear you guys story. Here's what you guys went through. Share it with us on our Facebook page. We really appreciate it. The last thing I want to share with you guys today before we close for the week I ran into an older lady in the department store yesterday.

Speaker 1: 27:55

She was kind of limping and I said, man, were you okay? And she was saying I have my, finally have my back surgery tomorrow. I've been suffering with back pain for like three years. I was almost hesitant to ask her what caused it and what happened, but she was just excited but also a bit afraid. It seemed Kind of concerned about what would happen, but just so tired of the pain, so tired of the toll it took on her and her husband to take care of her for three years.

Speaker 1: 28:31

You know, this morning I got up. I got up really, really early this morning and I got up just to take some time for me to pray, to kind of think about some things, and I just had this awful pinch in my back this morning. And I do have a history of some sports related issues regarding my back, sciatica and some things that I've dealt with. I don't deal with it now, but whenever you have that little pain in places where you had an injury before or where it was severe pain. It makes you think. You know, a whole ton of feelings come flowing back.

Speaker 1: 29:09

But your approach to it has to be different. You know the back symbolizes the support of the body. It's essentially the support system. If your back goes out, from a physical standpoint and I know this full well, I know this from experience If your back goes out, everything is not able to function as it should. Your body can't do what it's designed to do. I don't see that as much of a difference from the support system that we have in life.

Speaker 1: 29:46

What happens when your support system fails you? The people who you thought were important, who you thought were at the top of the food chain you sold into their lives for years and years. Were important. Who you thought Were at the top of the food chain you sold Into their lives for years and years. But when you need a withdrawal, when it's time for you To have a need Fulfilled, what happens when that account is Empty or unavailable? It's the funny thing about support systems. It's almost like stocks and funding and 401k. Sometimes you can sow into it, but it doesn't always mean you're going to get what you put in back out of it. You may end up losing over time over the years. It's not your fault. It's just set up as a bad way to invest and we just didn't know that in the beginning. Those support systems may not be the best place for you to invest your heart, invest your life.

Speaker 1: 30:54

What do you do when you feel pain in those places where you've had hurt before, you struggle before, where you were depressed before? What happens when you feel pain in those places? What do you do? What's your reaction? Well, all I know is that your reaction, your approach, needs to be different this time. I know it's easier said than done, but that's my encouragement to you guys.

Speaker 1: 31:18

Today we're talking about tiny circles. We're talking about relationships and priorities and where we place people in the any category, in the some category, in the few category. We're talking about support systems. What happens when they fail us? What happens when they don't have our six and they're not good partners and they leave us hanging? The one thing we can't do is live in yesterday. That's why they call it yesterday. We have to embrace today.

Speaker 1: 31:55

You've grown a lot more than you realize you have from those times, from those situations you really have. You can't live like that. You can't live back in the days where the pain was so great, we immobilized you, we paralyzed you. You can't live in those places anymore. When I felt that pinch in my back this morning, I had a lot of thoughts. A lot of memories came flooding back of my days where I had to crawl on the floor because my back pain was so bad I couldn't walk, I had to crawl everywhere. But I'm in a better place, been working out a lot healthier, and when you continue to build on what you've been doing, what you know to be the right trajectory for you, you begin to feel a confidence, a boldness. This doesn't have to be your life. You don't have to be where you were. You know that little old lady today, oldness, this doesn't have to be your life. You don't have to be where you were. You know that little old lady.

Speaker 1: 33:00

Today she's getting her surgery. This morning May have already happened. She could have remained in the pain in a place where she was struggling to make it through the day, but she wanted a better tomorrow for herself, a pain-free tomorrow. She wanted to take the burden off of her husband, who's been taking care of her regarding her back for three years you can look in her eyes and listen to her story and she felt sorry for him because of all of the effort that he put into serving and helping her through this problem. She wanted to help him as much as she wanted to help herself, and that's why she had a surgery today.

Speaker 1: 33:43

Even if your support system was good back in the day, but it doesn't bear any fruit today, it's time for you to cut that tree down and replant. I'm going to say it again If your support system was good back in the day, back in the 70s and 80s, but it bears no fruit today, you got nothing to show for it. Cut that tree down and replant, guys. Thank you so much again. I really hope you enjoyed the episode.

Speaker 1: 34:23

Just one quick programming note we'll have another episode, but it's going to be a little bit earlier next week. It's going to be on Monday, january. Oh, my god, it's not January, it's's December, my apologies. This upcoming Monday we'll have another episode of the pod, so be checking out wherever you get your podcast from Apple Podcasts, google Podcasts, pandora, iheartradio, overcast whatever you use for your podcasting needs Check us out.

Speaker 1: 35:03

New episode early next week. I think you're going to love this one. It's going to be exciting. It's going to be an outstanding topic. Guys, thank you so much for your time today. I really appreciate you guys. Tiny circles, baby, think about it. Repetition, consistency, discipline it's all about priorities, it's all about placement. Keep it together, guys. I don't know if you have one, but I hope today I can be part of your support system. I got your six. I'm your coach and your host, mr U. Get back in the game, baby. Have a great day. Hi, it's Mr U. Hope you were inspired by what you heard today. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please subscribe on apple podcast and on our youtube channel, and please leave a comment and a review. This episode was made possible by support of viewers and listeners, just like you. Thanks.